On the Road Again

Warming sun. Tropical drinks. Exotic foods. Hiking. SCUBA diving. Chatting with locals. Exploring locations teeming with history and culture. In my opinion, these are just a few of the elements that meld to forge a glorious vacation experience. You know what doesn't make for a pleasantly memorable vacation? Travel jealousy.

Over the years I've been told by countless people, "Gee, you go on so many vacations. I'm totally jealous." I've also heard the more blatant, "Vacationing again? I hate you." Although such statements are usually uttered with jest, they often contain a certain amount of biting truth. Sometimes, sadly, the words are even spat with thinly veiled bitterness.

I will admit, I embark on more trips than the average person. But if you will excuse my hubris for a moment, I also deem myself one of the more adept adventurers I know. I'm not talking about an adventure vacation here and there, with the rest revolving around sitting on beaches. Sitting around is for other people. I want to milk every new locations for all it's willing to give up. I do my best not to take any trip for granted.

We all hold certain passions near and dear to our hearts. For me, traveling is that passion. Exploring new places produces a kind of euphoria in me that is not easily replicated. The funny thing about passion is that it manifests itself in different ways. While one person may be passionate about reading, another may be passionate about collecting art, and yet another may be passionate about music. All are valid if they enrich people's lives, as I believe my travel does for my life.

I understand that all of us like to escape from the daily grind when possible, and for some it's a difficult endeavor. Please believe me when I say my trips do not simply occur on a whim. They are thoroughly researched, budgeted and contemplated. Those of you who know me well know how much of a cheapskate I am. Do you really think I would be spending copious amounts of money on anything, much less something that's not a necessity? I read travel advice websites daily, sift through countless emails from travel companies, hunt for deals on the internet and twitter, enroll in every point/discount accrual program, haggle with hotel managers, study weather patterns, research a destination's low seasons and bite my nails down to nubs while waiting for last minute deals. I promise you, with my weekly and daily attention, I put in more effort than 90% of travelers. Plus, many people tend to forget that I'm not taking full two-week vacations several times a year; many of these excursions are simply for a weekend.

Additionally, my daily expenditures are ridiculously low compared to most people. I make nearly all meals and don't eat out, have antiquated electronics, don't have cable, avoid large purchases unless absolutely necessary due to a previous item's failure (e.g. car, tv), purchase many things second hand, clip coupons, and a rudimentary perusal of my home will prove the glaringly obvious -- that my furniture is quite literally all gifted or hand-me-downs (barring the couch purchased 4 years ago because the other couch fell apart). I prefer to save my money for memorable journeys that will be burned into my memory forever. To me, things like owning the newest electronic item, purchasing designer clothing, wearing expensive jewelry not purchased for $10 at Target, spending more than $20 on a haircut or getting manicures is not important. Travel? That is what is important to me. Please don't judge me for that, because I would bet you also harbor priorities that others might deem odd.

Let's also not forget that for nearly three years, my significant other has traveled endlessly for work, and continues to do so. His being gone day in and day out equates to a rapid accrual of free flights and free or discounted hotel stays. This in itself sometimes causes jealousy to fester in some people. Rest assured, I would scrimp and save and give up every free drink/flight/hotel stay if it meant having my husband here instead of absent practically every day of the work week. I'm convinced the little "perks" are just enticements to keep me from going completely insane. They're something we can enjoy together. Heck, sometimes it seems like the only way we can enjoy each other is to get away.

Don't think I'm saying most people I know or associate with fall into the category of being judgmental about my travel. We've all been jealous or envious of people at some point, especially those close to us. I would hope that my true friends could share my travel joys, just as I try my best to share their joys in life.

Really, I blame American society for the vacation jealousy. We live in a place where workers accumulate weeks of vacation year after year that slip by unused. Americans feel guilty about taking time for themselves, and consequently work themselves to the bone. It doesn't have to be this way. Examine, for instance, all the countries where workers take three weeks of vacation with no questions asked. Whole sections of Europe shut down in August as the locals journey elsewhere. These people shouldn't be looked down upon, but instead applauded for realizing what's really important in life. It's certainly not work. Rather, it's making memories with loved ones. Enjoying time off with friends and family while taking a much needed and well deserved breather. Work is simply a way of funding such pleasures.

I consider myself lucky for having realized at an early age that work is not the purpose of my existence. I live for adventures with family and friends, and for squeezing the most out of my short years here on earth. I loathe the thought of being in my nineties and regretting my time sitting at the office in a bored stupor for a week, rather than witnessing the ear-to-ear grin on my husband's face while he spots a turtle during a snorkeling excursion.

You may continue to judge me for my travels if you so desire, but I assure you, that is a losing battle. Instead of feeling envious, perhaps try joining me in forgoing silly, costly things that mean so little in the long run. Instead, let's take the time to get away, and relish those adventures we'll never forget.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- 
I took the one less traveled by, 
And that has made all the difference. 

-Robert Frost

Infomercial Insanity

Ahhh, infomercials. The silly guilty pleasure we love to hate. We all love to mock them, whether for the absurd portrayal of a product, or for the actual odd product itself. But the laughter left ringing in the air is typically not from us observers, but from those who devised the product and are hauling in loads of money.

Because it's Friday and we could all use a laugh, I bring to you a list of my top worst/best infomercials. Worst/best lies in the eye of the beholder. There may be more ludicrous examples out there, but I haven't yet seen them. Thanks, YouTube, for having these available for countless hours of laughter and eye rolling.

THE BEST/WORST INFOMERCIALS OF ALL TIME 
(ranked from least to most insane)

10.  Forever Lazy--The Snuggie made fleece the laughingstock of America, but this took it one step further. Fast forward to 1:15 where it demonstrates the ease of going to the bathroom. America, you are truly lazy and disgusting.

9. Aspray--I'm not even sure what to think about the plumbers in the beginning of this commercial. Do you really want me to believe that some guy is going to put his nose up to another guy's butt like that? Remember, "you can even Aspray your privates."

8. PooTrap--This made me laugh and laugh and laugh trying to think of how my pup would have handled this back in the day. I understand that cleaning up dog poop is not a treat, but don't make poor Fido wear this. If you don't care about your dog's likely discomfort while wearing the device, then think about his/her humiliation.

7. Tiddy Bear--I love how so few of the people in this video put the device where most people complain about seatbelt pain--on their shoulders. Instead, the women seem to want to put the bear on their... um... well... er... "tiddy."

6. Hawaii Chair--I dare anyone to take up the guy on his idea of using this gyrating chair at the office. Says one woman in the clip, "I can really feel this working!" Yeah, I bet you can.

5. Potty Putter--If you feel the need to buy this, you may already be spending too much time on the toilet. My favorite part is the announcer's awkward pausing around :25. "Just aim and shoot... the ball... into the cup." No wait, it might be the point at :47 when he says, "You'll take the time to play with your putter." Imagine how proud you'll be to tell work colleagues who compliment your improved game that the skills came from hours with the Potty Putter.

4. UroClub--Seems like all the best ones aimed at men are golf related. Don't think you're fooling anyone with that stupid little green towel. Your hands are behind it, so we know you're either peeing or playing with yourself. Although I previously wrote a post about trying to be less judgmental, if I see you using one of these, you better believe I'm going to judge you for being gross.

3. Shake Weight--Few items are as blatantly dirty as this product. If you don't believe me, go ahead and look up the South Park episode about it. I had trouble deciding which video to include, because the company made separate ones for men and women. I'm including the one for women because it seemed just slightly more silly.

2. Facial Flex--Cut to the chase and fast forward to 1:05. There are no words.

1. Kush Support--The name sounds innocent enough. But the product is a breast implant supporter.

There you have it. I hope these videos caused you to laugh as much as I did. Maybe this post will even inspire you to come up with your own wacky product. If you do, just remember who inspired you, and be sure to send me a royalties check.

Flock of Snowbirds

Luckily, spring is nearly here. I can't complain too much about winter because this year has been ridiculously wonderfully mild. But we still had enough cold days for me to curl up and threaten hibernation. That forced my ever-growing snowbird tendency to rear its ugly head.

I first encountered snowbirds en masse when living in Miami. Previously, I had never lived anywhere that prompted such an influx of seasonal visitors. In fact, I hail from the upper Midwest, where residents usually flock away from the winter madness. So watching the Miami winter visitors was truly unique. And sometimes frustrating.

I've posted before about welcoming tourists with open arms as long as they behave when they're visiting. The problem with snowbirds is that many consider their warm winter destinations "home" despite only living there for about two or three months out of the year, causing a sense of entitlement. They sometimes treat the area they're in like a free-spirited spring break destination, instead of considering the fact that it really is home year-round for some people. This can cause even the most patient year-rounder to lose it. I know I lost it on multiple occasions when living in Florida.

So here's my confession: I'm officially, gradually turning into a snowbird. This is evidenced by my desire to take a major trip during the cold weather months every year. My husband knows the winter will be a lot more pleasant for him if he dangles a warm weather trip in front of me. Granted, it's not for two or three months at a time, but hey, it's a start.

Last weekend I went to visit the in-laws at their new condo just outside of Phoenix. I can't blame them for wanting to escape Wisconsin winters. Check out the awesome scenery from our boat excursion on a nearby lake. Yes, I said lake. In the Arizona desert. Very cool.

Perhaps I'm biased, but I have to say, my in-laws are not going to make anybody's list of annoying snowbirds. They're respectful and considerate of locals. They treat the area like it's their permanent home, not some spring break destination. They don't act like the "mature" women we encountered in the bar last weekend who got wasted and proceeded to hit on every man in sight (including my husband). If more people decided to abide by my in-laws' model when visiting seasonal destinations, I don't think the term "snowbird" would carry the negative connotation it sometimes does.

Here's what I promise locals in the places I visit during the winter: I will not clog up your major roads at rush hour by driving during that time, considering the activities I am trying to get to could be done at any time during the day. I will not drive below the speed limit at an insanely slow rate and hold up traffic. I will not tell you endless, boring tales of "back home" unless you specifically ask. I will not complain loudly about your lovely area, because I chose to be there and I can choose to leave at any time. I will not get sloppy drunk and become loud, belligerent and annoying. And perhaps most importantly, what I learned from my year of living in a high rise across the street from a nude beach: I will not make your eyeballs melt by walking around nude or in inappropriately tight/small unflattering beach gear.