Monday, June 25, 2012

A Fine Line

"Oh no, do we have to move again?"

It's the comment my husband utters with a sigh every time I declare I'm having "trouble with the library." And when I say "trouble with the library" what I really mean is "I have a big old fine."

I positively adore the library. I move around frequently and every time I re-locate, the library is one of the first places I look for on my new neighborhood's map. Libraries, although typically not as widely used as they should be, are a fantastic community resource to prevent me from spending thousands upon thousands of dollars each year on books.

Don't get me wrong, occasionally I do purchase books, but the library is just too convenient. I don't feel the need to read books the instant they are released and I'm currently not in a book club, so borrowing is perfectly acceptable in my mind. Plus, I read an awful lot of classics, which are plentiful at the library. So why not take advantage of a nearby resource for which I'm already paying taxes?

I've had contentious relationships with my local libraries over the years, sometimes due to my negligence and other times for reasons beyond my control. I admit, a number of years ago, I accrued fines fairly regularly. During that dark period, my now-husband began a joke (or is it??) about having to move every time my fines grow overwhelming, in order to avoid a bill so large that we need to re-mortgage our home. Thus, out of his suggestion of skipping town when I have fines, the phrase "Oh no, do we have to move again?" was born. 

But back to my problem. My current library and I had a bit of a falling out last autumn, when I had traveled out of the country and forgot to return my materials, racking up a multi-book fine totaling around $20. For the record, that's about the point where they start threatening to contact a collection agency. I ignored the threats until, suddenly, my fine jumped to about $38 and I felt it was time to take action. I chatted with a librarian and asked for an itemized bill so I could figure out why my fine had nearly doubled. Upon looking at the library printout, we discovered fines for books that had been returned on time, as well as random fines listed twice. Although the librarian didn't seem fully convinced of my innocence in a couple of cases, we agreed that I would pay about $17 for fines that genuinely were my fault.

Alas, after a truce lasting approximately nine months (a proud time for me, indeed), the library has decided to throw down the gauntlet once again. This time, while seemingly silly, the battle is over $1.20.

I often renew my books online and did so again at the end of last week. Upon renewal I received the message "The following items have been renewed" and it listed my two books. Piece of cake. Three days later, I received a notice that one of the books was overdue and I now owed 90 cents. Baffled, I called up my account online and sure enough, one book had renewed and the other hadn't. I figured there was some glitch in the system and tried renewing the rogue book one more time. Again, I receive the message "The following items have been renewed" with my book listed immediately after.

This morning I discovered that the book again was not renewed, so I called the library. Apparently, there's a hold on that book so it will not renew, and my fine is now up to $1.20. I decided to try renewing to see what message I would receive this time, and sure enough, a different message, "Not all renewals were successful," flashed on the screen. Curious.

The librarian very nicely informed me of what to look for online to identify a hold, and that "Not all renewals were successful" should appear onscreen to alert me to a hold. However, I actually didn't need the lesson considering my extensive experience with hold messages due to my repeated use of the online system over the years. I know what they look like and promptly return books on hold to avoid a fine. I promise, there was no such message when I tried renewing twice over the past five days. I have no problem with returning a book when there's a hold, however, when there's some type of odd error with the system, the gloves come off and the battle begins.

Currently, I'm considering myself fully engaged in a library standoff. I will return the book tonight, but that fine is not getting paid. It's not the $1.20, it's the principle. I'm not pleased about having a fine tarnish my clean-for-nearly-a-year record, but that is how it must remain for now. Let's just say the library has crossed a "fine" line, and I'm not budging.

Should a bill collector appear at my door in the coming months for a money gathering attempt, I think I'll kindly refuse and record a video of the entire ordeal to create a YouTube sensation. I'm fairly certain "Bill Collector Goes Postal Over $1.20 Library Fine" would be a significant money maker.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Dirty Birds

People, you are dirty. Dirty, nasty little pervs. Just when you thought you were hiding it, here I am calling you out. I know where you are, and I know what you're looking at online.

Let me include a little back story to explain. Last year, I wrote a blog post on being married to an identical triplet. It was supposed to be purely informative, but somehow has morphed into a veritable pornucopia. All because I was trying to tell you nasty people to stop asking silly questions because my husband has not been, and will not be, starring in any triplet porn. I included a photo of the Dahm triplets, who represent an extreme, ludicrous example of triplets, which some people choose to elevate as a prime example of reality. Now, because of that one photo (which, by the way, showed no nudity) my blog site overflows with internet porn surfers from all over the world trying to see triple the boobies.

If you think your internet searches are completely anonymous, here's a harsh reality check for you: they're not. Blog sites allow users to view stats such as where people are visiting from, what operating system they use, whether they're reading from a mobile device and what words they may have searched to arrive on the site. Let me assure you, I've encountered some wild search words over the past eight months or so. The predominant search term for my site is "triplet porn," closely followed by "hot triplets." I shan't shock you with some of the juicier searches that have led people to this site, as I think your imagination will suffice.

I also know where you're reading from, even if you think you've blocked such stats from being visible to me. Granted, it's not as specific as some blogs sites which actually show IP addresses, but I know which cities you're visiting from. It's been exhilarating seeing that people from all parts of the world -- including South Africa, the Philippines, Australia and Brazil -- find my site and sometimes become repeat viewers. The demoralizing part comes when I see they've arrived by searching for triplet porn. And here, I thought I was winning the world over with my glorious writing skills and wit. *sigh*

Let me give you an idea of just how many people arrive on this site hoping for porn. When looking at the hit counts on each of my posts, they tend to cluster together within a few views of each other, maybe varying by tens of views. However, the triplet post has received nearly nine times as many hits as its closest contender. Think about it: if the second-most-read post had 100 views, closely followed by a third place post with 98 views, that means the triplet post racked up 900 hits. It boggles the mind and proves that internet porn is alive and well, regardless of measures to curb it.

Don't get me wrong, I happily accept readers no matter how they discover this site. I just hope that maybe some of those who visit to triple their pervy pleasure will find other posts they like, and perhaps become regular readers. If not, that's OK. Just keep the web traffic coming, you dirty birds.

This isn't intended to change behaviors or to preach that people shouldn't look at internet porn. It's simply to inform you, dear readers, that if I can figure out what nasty stuff you're looking at, other more adept computer wizards undoubtedly see it as well. Remember that the next time you believe you're pulling a fast one on your company by surreptitiously sneaking a peek at porn on your work computer. That brief boobie break could very well come back to haunt you. Or at least make you a topic for somebody's next blog post.