Are You Talking to Me?

There's a popular belief that talking to oneself is a sign of genius. If that holds true, please consider me the world's foremost genius. Because I definitely talk to myself. A lot.

This is a rather embarrassing admission; I've never known anybody to willingly proffer this information without at least some reluctance. But with age comes a distinct lack of caring what others think. Don't get me wrong, it still embarrasses me to no end when somebody walks in on me muttering to myself, but at least now I know this is a fairly common practice among people, based on a number of articles I've read and conversations I've had recently (with other people, not myself).

Yes, I talk to myself. Don't lie, you do too.

What do I talk to myself about? Nearly everything. From trying out a difficult speech I'm going to later barrage someone with, to repeating movie lines, it all comes out. I even go over previous conversations, coming up with things I wish I would have said at the time. Why does this have to happen out loud? I truly have no idea. But I do notice that certain things trigger more self-talking for me, such as lack of sleep, stress or too much caffeine. Along with many other physical issues I experience when I ingest significant amounts of caffeine, talking out loud at odd times is one side effect. I've actually startled myself while hopped up on caffeine when I "come to" out of a deep conversation with myself, previously not having realized my thoughts were audible. This is one of the many reasons I try to avoid caffeine.

In addition to talking with myself, I have a tendency to take up conversations with inanimate objects. There can be absolutely nobody around, yet I feel the need to speak out loud to an object. For example, if I'm trying to cook and my spatula breaks, is it really necessary to direct disparaging utterances at my utensil? Isn't it weird to say something to the effect of, "Really? NOW you break? When I'm in a rush and just want a tasty pancake? C'mon, spatula, what the hell?!" Or how about aiming comments at my own body parts like, "Well hey there, hair. You're not looking too bad today." It's pretty odd, I'm not gonna lie. But I do it. All. The. Time.

For a while, I actively hoped nobody had set up any sort of recording devices in my home for fear of revealing my penchant for talking to myself and everything around me. But now I figure if there is some sort of recording device, I just hope my stalker is amused by my outbursts. (Note: this is not an invitation to bug my home or to set up secret recording devices. However, if there is already one in my home, I just ask to split any profit you bring in from internet sales of the audio/video.)

So is this really a sign of genius, as the old adage suggests? Or perhaps an overly active, overly creative brain? I'm not sure, but I doubt it. As long as it's not a sign of the alternative--schizophrenia--then it's alright with me.

Have a Seat

Up and down. Down and up. All. Day. Long. Such is the life of a toilet seat in a mixed gender household.

But then the trouble starts. You know how it goes: Woman walks into the bathroom and doesn't check seat, woman falls into toilet, woman screams, woman lectures man endlessly for leaving the seat up, man rolls eyes and tunes out. OK, ladies. I've got something to say that you probably won't like. You're in the wrong.

The seat flips both ways. Guys, put it up. Ladies, put it down.

Having been the victim of a wet bum myself on more than one occasion, I can completely understand the dismay at falling in. I can identify with the blaze of anger that makes some women scream obscenities and curse whoever left the toilet seat up. But please realize that this is not somebody else's fault. YOU should have looked before leaping. Remember in a previous post, how I said women should stop hovering and instead check the seat before sitting down? The pre-sit checking still holds true in this case.

Think about it -- the guy did what he has been trained to do since becoming potty trained as a toddler. He courteously lifted the seat so as to not spatter upon it (sadly, many women don't have the same courtesy and spatter all over seats. Again, see original post). He went through the trouble of reaching down to lift up the seat, when all he really wanted to do was relieve himself.

Ladies... You, however, opt for instant relief instead of taking the half a second needed to check the seat. You couldn't take the half a second to flip the toilet seat down and spare your bottom the drenching that followed. Yet you will yell at the man mercilessly as if he actually did something wrong.

If we are to abide by woman logic, men are supposed to put the seat up AND down when doing their duty, while women bear no burden whatsoever. That seems illogical to me. There's no reason he should have to put the seat down when he leaves, but ladies shouldn't have to put it up when they leave. There's equal chance of each person using the restroom next.

To those women who claim they will likely be the next toilet user, so the man should therefore put the seat up and down... my response is that you have to pick your battles. Personally, I don't see the ridiculous toilet seat battle as something worth fighting for.

I contend that the toilet seat wars are just the product of women's embarrassment at falling in. It's a rather common occurrence for people to fly into a fit of rage when they clearly know they're in the wrong, but are too embarrassed to admit it. Ladies, let's just remember that nobody else is there with you so it's not anyone else's fault. On the upside, due to there not being anyone with you, others will also never know of your unfortunate topple into the bowl unless you tell them.

So how about we all count to ten, pretend the plunge never happened, and remember to take a brief look before plunking down on the seat next time. Plus, let's not forget how lucky we are to have toilet seats. Think of all the people in prison who would kill (figuratively, and possibly literally) to have a toilet seat at all.

Guys, if you consistently put the seat up when you do your business, you're off the hook on this one. But please start remembering to refill empty toilet paper rolls.

Update 4/27/12 I would like to thank a number of you for letting me know that there's another option  practiced in some households -- everyone puts the top lid up and down every time. I have to say, I like this. My previous rant was about just one sex having to bear the whole burden of toilet seat management, while the other did nothing. If everyone shares the burden, I'm OK with that. Thanks again for the suggestion!