Happy Skank-o-ween!

Ahhh, Halloween, how I love thee. The holiday has become such an overblown, ridiculous occasion, but I can't get enough of it. Except for the slutty costumes.

Sexy skunk? Huh?

I'm sure all the dudes reading this are angry right now, but hear me out. Truly, if you want to see a parade of flesh rivaling Halloween, all you have to do is walk by (or into, if you're brave) the latest hot club on any given Friday or Saturday night. As far as costumes go, I'm mostly chastising slutty costumes that aren't well thought out. For instance, slutty skunk. Really? You want to wear a costume of something with a smelly butt and think that's going to be sexy? Let's reconsider.

Tainted turtle

Some costumes are just not meant to cross the "sexy" line. Taxi drivers, convicts and miners are good examples. My friend Ariana, who shares my dislike of the Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costumes, addressed a different category: sacred memories from childhood. As she said, "I don't like slutty costumes that taint something wonderful from my youth." Well said.

I'm really not sure when Halloween became Skank-o-ween, but I surmise it's a somewhat recent change. The transformation was not rapid, but rather seems to be a slowly spreading trend over the past decade or two. I'm not sure why women feel the need to only wear insanely revealing costumes, or even go out wearing nothing more than underwear, but it's disturbing. Don't get me wrong, some of the revealing costumes are cool or funny. But by and large it's just a lame attempt to show off some flesh.

The first prize winners--the yip yips!

I know, I know, you're thinking, "Calm down, grandma." I'm just partial to really clever costumes, and again, very few slutty costumes are clever. And they definitely won't win costume contests, which is one of the main draws of Halloween as far as I'm concerned. Now that I'm officially a first prize costume contest winner, along with aforementioned Ariana, I deem my point even more valid. We won by creating costumes of the yip yip aliens from Sesame Street. They were really a hit. Nearly equally a hit as when Chris and I went as Bunsen and Beaker last year. THESE are costumes that the masses love. They are also in no way, shape or form revealing. But I assure you, no matter how much attention a skanky costume may garner, it's far less attention than clever costumes. Consider the type of attention skimpy costumes amass: ogling and groping from gross men. If you're looking for massive amounts of attention, unique costumes are hands down the way to go. EVERYONE wants a picture with someone wearing a clever costume.

Beaker & Bunsen were a huge hit.

I'm not saying all women have to abandon the idea of a "sexy" costume, I'm just asking people to step up the creativity a notch. Guys aren't able to wear a random revealing costume that has no thought behind it and get away with it, so women shouldn't either. Ladies, please pack away the sexy plumber, clown and gladiator costumes and put on the thinking caps. I've seen far too few women enter, much less win, costume contests. It may seem weird at first to give up your day of skankdom. But believe me, the satisfaction of receiving accolades from hordes of people over your clever costume is worth the effort. The prize winnings aren't too shabby, either.

For the Love of Cougars

Over the past ten years or so there's been an increased fascination with "cougars." You know, the women who are on the prowl for young, fresh meat. Unfortunately, there's also been gross misuse of the term "cougar" and I'm about to shed light on that.

Upon consulting the quintessential resource for hip vernacular--Urbandictionary.com--I found a number of entries for cougar. Here are pieces of the two most popular and most coherent:

1.	Cougar
	An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf.

2.	Cougar
	(see also hunt, prowl, corner, pounce). Noun. A 35+ year old female who is on the "hunt" for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar... gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path.

Pretty simple, right? So why am I up in arms about the use of the term? Because it has somehow morphed due to overuse and often includes all women in their 30s-50s, not exclusively those who are on the prowl for young men. When I use the term "cougar" I literally mean a woman hunting for a younger guy to use as a boy toy. I don't mean a woman in her 30s or older who simply enjoys going out to restaurants, lounges or bars for a social experience. Most (if not all) of the single women I know don't set out looking for a younger man, so the increasingly casual use of the term typically isn't appropriate.


Here's a cougar pouncing on its prey.

 

Here's another cougar pouncing on its prey.














I mostly blame the young dudes who are of the age to be prime cougar meat for slinging around the term indiscriminately. Secretly, I think some of them desperately want to be targeted by a cougar, although in reality it hasn't happened, and likely won't. It's a lot easier for them to view these women as old, sad, pathetic and worthy of rude jokes rather than to admit cougars aren't that prevalent, and most older women have absolutely no interest in youngsters in the first place. As far as I'm concerned, snarkily calling someone a "cougar" is the modern day equivalent to the equally infuriating classic rejected-guy line of "she's probably a lesbian anyway."

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of young women who refer to older women as cougars as well. But I've found it to be a less common occurence than with men.

I've recently discovered several bars in my area being referred to as "cougar bars." There are websites devoted specifically to listing such bars throughout the country. Upon looking at some of these, it riles me that they're often places that 30 and 40-somethings regularly hang out. I've noticed a growing number of young people, typically men, referring to any establishment where 30 and 40-somethings gather as a cougar bar. Let's think about this. Logically, wouldn't cougars have far better luck by targeting bars where 20-somethings hang out?

Guess what hipsters, we like going out too! Passing the age of 29 does not mean it's suddenly unacceptable to venture outside the confines of one's own domicile. But listening to some of the younguns speak would lead me to believe that is the case. BELIEVE ME, most of us no longer have any desire to frequent your hangouts.  We don't want to cram into a scummy bar or club, elbow to elbow with 1,500 gyrating people whom we can't hear anyway, while fending off immature dudes and their unoriginal pickup lines, steering away from pervs who use the packed-like-sardines excuse as a reason for rubbing against us, and avoiding the inexperienced drinkers who appear on the verge of projectile vomiting. So just leave me be at my wine lounge where I have breathing room, delicious drinks, (sometimes) stimulating conversations and don't have to worry about whether my cute shoes will need to be wiped clean at the end of the night. Let it be known: hangouts for people over the age of 29 are not necessarily cougar bars.

Another rule to remember is that just because we're older and they're younger does not make young men instantly irresistable. The rules of attraction still apply regardless of age. So pull up your pants, comb your overly long hair, stop brooding and come back to chat when you have something to say other than how misunderstood you are both at work and by your parents.

By the time maturity sets in, these guys will be the same age as the cougars, and will have lost all ability to be viewed as meat. And maybe then they'll stop referring to all adult hangouts as cougar bars and all women over 30 as cougars. Because, of course, after turning 30 they'll have lost their edge and will simply be considered "dirty old men" who hang out at dirty old man bars.

Triple Trouble

For those of you who may not already know, I am married to an identical triplet. Disclosing this fun fact for the first (or sometimes tenth) time usually wins me bug-eyed stares, mouths agape and comments like, "Wow! What's that like?" Well, fine readers, here you go. I'm about to tell you "what that's like."

It's just like being married to anyone else. There, I said it.

OK, it's not ALWAYS that easy, but 99% of the time it really is. Maybe it's easier for me not to get caught up in the hype because my dad is a fraternal twin and I grew up listening to him field silly questions and comments from the amazed masses. (For the record, fraternal twins do not look alike, so to ask if people can tell them apart is just plain stupid.)

Was I initially intrigued at the idea of dating a triplet? Yeah, sure. But it makes it a lot easier to "get over it" when the brothers all lived in different cities, as they did when Chris and I first met. Multiples are individuals and typically have vastly unique personalities, but many people tend to overlook that very important fact. Another thing to remember is how time and environmental factors eventually cause even identicals to start exhibiting more distinct features. Most of the identical twins I know definitely look more different as they age than when they were younger. Plus, my hubby has become more recognizable to some people because he doesn't wear contacts like the others, so he's now "the one with glasses."

Three times the fun.

In looking at pictures over the years, I can pick out resemblances between different brothers at different times in their lives. It's amusing to hear stories from people who knew them before I even appeared on the scene, talking about which brothers looked like each other and the age range during which that was the case. I really do struggle to tell them apart in certain childhood pictures. I shouldn't say this, but in some pictures even my mother-in-law says she has no idea which is which. But usually there are telltale grins, winks or head tilts that differentiate the brothers.

How cute are these guys??!

I have seen the brothers exhibit much grace and patience when dealing with questions that others like myself would scoff at and offer nothing but an eye roll in response. Let me educate you a bit on multiples and why inane questions are not cute or considered acceptable small talk unless you know them incredibly well.  OK, maybe I'm projecting a bit, but just imagine being peppered with the following questions/comments for a lifetime and you might BEGIN to understand what these wonderful guys (and all multiples) have to go through.

Let's just go ahead and give the answer to the first question I am asked time after time after time: Yes, of COURSE I can tell them apart. Chris and I have been together for more than 10 years, do you really think I can't tell who my husband is? As mentioned previously, each of the brothers has taken on a distinct look with age. Also, please refer back to the part above where I said multiples have unique personalities. Even if I had met one of the other brothers first, I can't see myself having dated them. They're great guys and all, but I like Chris for HIS personality and for who HE is. This brings me to...

Normal identical triplets are not porn stars. Trust me, I've tried.

No, I have never, nor do I intend to ever, make out with any of the triplets besides Chris. This is a perverse question I get more from guys than girls. I think it has something to do with the guy fantasy of carrying out nasty acts with hot female multiples. Anyone with brothers or sisters, just take into consideration how gross it would be to do such things with your siblings present. Now, imagine the repulsiveness of trying to DO some of those things WITH your siblings. If you're not gagging right now, please stop reading this post, remove yourself from the Appalachian home you are apparently inhabiting, and get yourself some help.

Also along those lines, no I don't have two others as "back-ups" in case anything happens to Chris. Sick.

Yes, I am SURE they are triplets. I trust that their mother would have noticed if she gave birth to only one baby, as opposed to THREE. She wasn't simply trying to brag about what she could do. And look at them now... how many 6'5" brothers who weigh the same, with brown hair, blue eyes, the same build, similar mannerisms and similar voices do you think you could possibly get together at once? I'm not saying it's not possible, I'm just saying it's not probable so your question is probably, possibly dumb.

Do not ask if they play tricks on people. Most multiples do not. (Except for that one instance of a brother breaking up with the other brother's girlfriend in high school. Bygones.)

No, they didn't dress alike as children. While some multiples do this, my mother-in-law was smart enough to encourage each to display his unique personality. Dressing multiples alike sends the message that the kids are the same person. Sure, this phenomenon might be amusing once in a while, but I don't believe it's healthy on a regular basis. Oh, and for those of you who ask me if the brothers dress alike NOW... um... they're in their 30s. That would be just plain sad.

No, if one of them does something/gets drunk/gets hurt, the others don't feel it. This isn't E.T., people.

The brothers are close. But not creepy close, like this.

Yes, there is a certain closeness among the brothers, as there seems to be with many other multiples. While some prefer to chalk this up to some sort of freaky twin-bond or twin-speak, I have a different theory. Putting children of such close age into such close proximity with each other throughout the same situations in life creates its own kind of tight bond. Similiar instances can be observed with cousins or non-family members who start living with children of the same age. I really think a lot of siblings' closeness is based on parenting, and Chris' family is incredibly close as it is.  All of these things come together to create the close bond the triplets exhibit... not some creepy twin syndrome à la "The Shining."

Who cares who's the oldest? I don't understand why people become so enamored with finding out the birth order. It really means nothing.

I don't know if twins run in their family. Quite frankly, that doesn't even matter with identicals, so don't ask.

Yes, they are "natural" twins. Fertility drugs only cause women to release extra eggs, which produces fraternal twins, not identical. Identicals are freaks of nature (as Chris would say) which scientists still struggle to explain. Plus, even if they weren't "natural", why would that be your business to find out a couple's sexual and reproductive history? Ew.

Possibly the most annoying/disturbing thing people ask/point out is my likelihood for having twins in the future. First, let me say that having children is not in my game plan, so the thought of multiples gives me heart palpitations (more on that in a future post). Secondly, marrying an identical triplet is not the issue... it's having a fraternal twin father that's the issue. My grandmother was clearly a hyper egg producer, which can be genetic. That's the frightening statistic I have to watch out for. Please don't point this out to me, because I am acutely aware of the odds. As my former supervisor Glen liked to tease me when learning about the situation with Chris and my dad, "Geez, you'll get pregnant three times and you'll have a baseball team." Thanks, Glen. Thanks.

Please do not think that this post means you cannot ask any questions about being a multiple. But do remember that there is definitely a time and a place for everything. If you are meeting a multiple for the first time, it's unlikely that any personal "twin" questions are appropriate, particularly some of the common sense ones outlined above. But as you get to know the brothers more, you'll see that they even bring up their situation sometimes. Often, to joke about the folly of their mother not cashing in on the rarity of identical multiples back in the day, and "their money" going to other multiples in a variety of ads (think Double Mint gum, for instance).

I've told you things you shouldn't do, but what SHOULD you do? Get to know my husband for the fun, intelligent, caring person he is. I married him because he's a fantastic guy with a big heart, not because there are two other humans ridiculously similar to him. Once you get to know him, I bet you'll quickly forget he's even a multiple. Until, of course, you encounter all three together and they revert to childish slap fights, insults about the others being ugly, comments about one being adopted and arguments over birth order. Then you'll just WISH you didn't know they were multiples.