I'm Judging You Right Now



I'm just going to go ahead and say it:  I'm judgmental.  It's not an attractive quality, and certainly not one I openly admit to very often.  But it's definitely present.

I know I'm not the only one, but that doesn't make it right.  It's one of those things just about everybody denies they take part in.  But more likely than not, we're all offenders, at least once in a while.  It's right up there with prejudice and gossipping on my list of "Top Three Things Most of Us Are Guilty of But Won't Admit."

I am very interested in how the human mind works and I think I dissect people's behaviors far more than the average person.  I've been told I'm excellent at quickly digging through a person's outer layers and figuring out their true personality.  However, I think I can go too far and delve into the realm of judgment instead of information gathering.

Take, for instance, my trip to church on Easter Sunday.  First of all, you can go ahead and judge ME due to my church attendance not exactly being what it should.  But my family was in town, it was Easter, and that's just how I roll.  Anyway, church was packed to the rafters, as it typically is on a holy day, so I was already cranky from the heat and crowds.  Enter the woman and her two children in front of us, and it makes for a judgy scenario. 

This woman caught my eye due to her incredibly large amount of fluffy, yet rather well coifed hair. Mostly though, because of her dress.  It was strapless, quite short, tight and stretchy, somewhat shiny with a ruffled bottom and of a fluorescent orange color, accompanied by very high heels.  Considering this is not something typically seen on any other day in the DC burbs, much less in church, there were many stares--lusty admiration from the men and quiet disgust from the women.  At first with her enormous hair, caked on makeup, and grossly inappropriate dress, I was preparing for an eye roll while wondering if this woman had just come off a stripper shift.

But then I told myself to stop being Judgy von Judgerson.  Maybe she had made a conscious decision to wear this.  I really pushed myself to see past my initial thoughts of being quizzical as to why one would wear such a dress to church, and this is what I found:  A mother who was excited to take her two kids to Easter mass all dressed up. 

Upon further examination, I realized the daughter (I imagine she was around 8) sported a dress of the same shocking orange hue as her mother.  I also noticed that unlike her mother's stretchy fabric, hers was of bridal satin material, and was pinned in the back because it was too large.  The boy (probably around 5) was less fancy, but cute in his cargo shorts and polo shirt of--that's right--bright fluorescent orange.  Both mother and daughter also had big orange flowers in their hair.  While completely ignoring mass, I came to a conclusion that I stick by even now:  The three of them had been to a wedding or some similar event the night before.  I figured that's why they all matched and the mother's hair was still large and done up.  We all know that bridesmaids' dresses are traditionally hideous, and this one would be no exception.  I figured those dresses, no matter how bold and unexpected, were the fanciest thing that family owned, and they wanted to dress up for the big holiday.

After doing this mental exercise, I felt myself physically and emotionally soften.  I couldn't believe that I originally perceived this woman as skanky, especially after briefly talking to her and discovering how sweet she seemed.  Had I not reached inside and shut off the judge button, I never would have noticed how special this day was for the three of them, dressed to the nines.

May you safely escape my gavel of judgment.

I can't figure out why I am so quick to judge.  It's an easy, cowardly way of adults bullying each other without being perceived as overt bullies.  It might make us momentarily feel superior, but really all this behavior achieves is to make us look petty, and to breed anger and hate in our hearts.  I know when I'm in my less judgmental phases I feel happier, possibly because I'm consciously seeking out things to compliment in other people instead of to criticize.  I find it interesting that although judging people is really intended to make ourselves feel better, it only succeeds in highlighting our own insecurities for all to see.  These judgmental tendencies are obvious to others not only when stated out loud, but also by our behaviors and unconscious eye movements and facial expressions.  Simply ignoring our desire to blurt out comments isn't enough; we need to change our inner workings of the mind that cause us to immediately produce judgmental thoughts in the first place.

I have attempted to curb my judgmental comments and thoughts at numerous points in my life.  I've given it up for Lent, I've used it as a New Year's resolution, and have just plain tried quitting cold turkey countless times.  It's an insanely difficult task to undertake.  Once I attempt to correct the behavior, I notice it everywhere.  It makes me wonder if all societies are as judgmental as ours.  I can't help but doubt that women in small tribes somewhere scoff at the loincloth one of their fellow tribeswomen wears.  And instead of laughing or mocking someone for performing a task incorrectly, a form of instant judgment, I tend to think that people in small villages would instead help each other, and teach how to correctly perform said task.

The problem lies in how pervasive judgmental attitudes are in our society.  It's not only accepted, but often lauded.  Our reality shows (don't worry, I will have a future post on my dislike of those) are full of people judging each other and they make crazy amounts of money.  Sarcasm and biting humor has been pushed to the forefront as a preferred comedic style.  Just look at skits like "Really? With Seth" on Saturday Night Live.  For months I swore the writers of SNL had followed me around and stole that skit from my life.  Although I still find it hilarious, I realize the basis of the entire skit is to make other people look like fools by judging them.

Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe it's just human nature to be judgmental, but I doubt it.  I believe people who are truly and utterly happy are the least judgmental.  They don't need to cut down others to feel good. Who cares if someone is wearing shoes that YOU think are hideous?  Who cares if someone talks in a manner YOU find odd?  Who cares if someone has put on a little weight? Who cares if someone chooses a profession YOU consider menial.  We, as people, are diverse and should celebrate our diversity rather than attempting to erase it with underhanded comments.  Instead, we live in narcissistic worlds where we expect everyone else to live up to our personal standards.

Granted, this is all easier said than done.  As I write about being less judgmental, I've already judged you for having so little to do that you're still reading this post.  However, I'm trying to be better.  I'm using my example of the lady in the flourescent orange dress as a reminder that things are not always as they seem, and quite frankly it doesn't matter if I know the true reasoning behind why people do/wear/say things. Hopefully by being less judgmental of others, it will prompt me to be less judgmental of myself.  Seeing as how I'm my own worst critic, I think cutting myself a little slack is a good thing. 

Ultimately, we'll all become happier by spreading around more compliments and fewer dirty looks at that too-short, too-shiny, too cleavage-revealing, hideously patterned, headband of a dress the slightly overweight, tired looking person of merely average attractiveness in front of you is wearing while on the way to her laughably mediocre job, before she goes home to her pathetic life.  That, or we'll all become ugly, weirdo slobs who don't give a crap about anything.  Either way, we'll certainly be happier and smiling a lot more.