Tourist Trouble

At this time of year, I often feel like I'm caught in a classic Bugs Bunny episode. "It's wabbit season." "No, it's duck season!" "No, it's wabbit season!"  It's even worse, folks.  It's tourist season.

Those of you who currently reside in, or previously have resided in, prime tourist destinations can understand my pain. The yearly influx of oblivious, obnoxious individuals is enough to make me long for winter. And you KNOW how I loathe winter.  Of course, when I lived in Miami, winter was prime time for tourists, so I suppose it's really a no win situation.

Granted, some a scant few tourists actually believe in researching the cities they will visit, and also employ manners and courtesy. But isn't it the case that most of us lose sense of ourselves when caught up in the excitement of a trip, and end up being THAT guy once in a while? You know, the stereotypically annoying traveler we all are so happy to see leave, we might even pay for his cab fare to the airport?  This is why people in foreign countries hate us. Are you entitled to a lovely vacation during which you can loaf around to your heart's content? Absolutely. Are you entitled to act like a jackass just because you're on vacation? Absolutely not.

Because at times we could all use a little refresher, here are some simple rules to bear in mind while enjoying time off. Some of these are very DC specific, but most are general enough so you can, and should, use them at any travel destination.

1. Do not take up the entire sidewalk. I don't care if you have 2, 6 or 12 people in your party, spreading out and monopolizing the whole sidewalk is unacceptable.  Remember what your parents told you when you were younger: SHARE.

2. If I'm in a hurry and try to nicely squeeze past you while you're dawdling, do not ask "Hey, where's the fire?" and then proceed to make some snarky comment about people always being in a hurry.  If you don't move out of my way so I can get to work on time, I'LL be on fire with anger.  I can appreciate that you are working at a slower speed while taking time off because I do the same. Unfortunately, we aren't all on your lovely vacation and still do have to work for a living, so please move aside without commenting.

Stinky pits not welcome here.

3. Shower. Please. I understand that you are trying to relax and your hygiene may be relaxed as well. However, our sense of smell is certainly not taking a hiatus and we don't appreciate your funk while pressed against you in the subway or other crowded places.  DC in particular is ridiculously hot and humid in the summer and you, no matter what you may think, are not immune to the bodily changes which occur at such temperatures.  This is especially the case when exerting energy to walk all around town.  Trust me, you'll feel better too once you get the sweat, dirt and smog off of your body.

4. Respect the rules of the subway. Common sense should tell you not to stop on the platform the second you set foot off the train. There are dozens of people behind you, and you blocking the exit doesn't help. The same applies when getting on the train and arriving at the top of the escalator--keep moving.  Once on the train, do not rest your entire body on one of the vertical poles.  Nobody wants to have to squeeze their hand against your sweaty back just to grab hold of the bar.  You are allotted one hand space on the pole, that is all.  And if you value your life, do NOT "escaleft."  I know there's no sign telling you about this rule, so I'm giving you a freebie. The escalators are like those moving walkways in airports--stand on the right and walk on the left.  You may enjoy our subway, but I guarantee it's an imperfect system.  Missing a train means being stranded on the platform for who knows how long.  If I miss a train due to you standing on the left and blocking everyone trying to walk, I cannot be held responsible for any physical harm that may befall you from angry passengers you have made late.  I know the system is not easy to understand.  However, there are many people you can ask for help instead of simply plowing into the subway full steam ahead, only to find you're clueless.

4. If you don't know, please ask. One of my favorite examples of people who should ask for advice/information/directions/mental help/a slap alongside the head goes as follows: I had just left work and a man behind me was telling a group of people (whom I didn't turn around to look at, but from the context of conversation thought they were business partners) that "this vice president guy rides the train every day from where he lives in New York City to Washington DC for work." I thought he must be talking about his company's vice president, and felt sorry for the man for having a 3.5 hour commute each way. I then turned around to discover that it was actually a father telling his whole family about America's vice president. Be proud of me for biting my tongue instead of making this man look like a fool in front of his family. (As a point of clarification, Joe Biden USED to ride the train every day when he was a senator. Since becoming vice president he lives here and no longer makes the 1.5 HOUR commute to and from his home in DELAWARE every day.) Countless ridiculous stories can also be heard about the cherry blossoms, monuments and American history in general.  Do ask questions instead of spouting off glaringly incorrect information to the masses...

5. ...But don't get angry if I don't know either. If you are from a smaller area, you might not realize just how expansive some cities are.  Try as I might, I definitely don't know every road, train line, nook, cranny and fun fact about the area.  I will certainly try my best if you try not to get huffy if I say I don't know.

6.  The volunteers and workers at the museums are not your personal babysitters.  Neither are any of the other people in the city you're visiting.  As a volunteer for the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History, I see all types of bad behavior.  Running around, screaming, touching exhibits, and basically just a general lack of respect for ANYTHING.  I really do dread volunteering at this time of year because students are in "summer off" mode and parents are frazzled.  But being frazzled does not permit you to deposit your young hellions in my hands-on exhibit and then proceed to disappear.  I can't tell you how many times I have been asked, "I'm just going to walk around a little bit, you can watch them, right?"  Wrong.  They're YOUR kids, I'm there for two reasons:  to make sure they don't destroy the exhibit too badly, and at least TRY to impart some shred of knowledge upon them.  Usually, it's a double fail.

7.  Use volume control.  This applies to subways in particular, but also other public spaces including (but not limited to) restaurants, museums, monuments, etc.  I promise you, nobody else finds your story about "how things are done" in Middle-of-Nowhere, USA nearly as amusing/witty/hilarious/interesting as you.  Nor do we care how tired/thirsty/bored/unimpressed/wannabe drunk/well endowed/horny you are.  (Yes, these are all things I have heard actual tourists loudly talking about, thinking they were cool for making a scene.) Locals recall their first grade teacher's advice and use their inside voices when riding the train and in public, so please do the same.

8.  Yes, everything is more expensive here.  Trust me, we know that and we hate it, so it's not necessary to lecture us for 10 minutes on what a rip off everything is.  All that accomplishes is making me sad that when you return home, you can go out and spend just $10 and have 5 beers, while I am stuck having one for the same price.  Please also keep in mind that nearly all of our world-class museums and countless other attractions are free.  Let's just say it all evens out for you.
   
9.  Try not to drive or ride the train during rush hour.  DC has some of the worst traffic in the country, and adding extra cars full of people who aren't familar with the roads is frustrating.  The same goes for the train.  I've heard many tourists comment about how grossly overcrowded the train is at rush hour.  You'll preserve your own sanity by simply heading out a little later or earlier.

Locals don't wear these. Neither should you.

10.  Nobody, I repeat, NOBODY who lives in a city ever wears a t-shirt highlighting that city.  Rest assured, your "You Don't Know Me" shirt from the Spy Museum does nothing but label you as a tourist, or a homeless person who is grateful for any clothing s/he can get.  Although, if you're worried about the comparison, one sure way to be dubbed "tourist" instead of "homeless" is to get everyone in your group matching tees.  Oh wait, you already did that.  Please remember that being labeled as a tourist makes you a target for crime.  I'd recommend saving that big, bad "FBI" or "I heart DC" shirt you picked up from a street vendor or tourist attraction until you get home.

I think the common thread in all of these guidelines is the following: If you wouldn't do it in your own home, please don't do it on vacation.  We really do welcome well behaved tourists to explore our cities and experience all they have to offer.  But losing all elements of sense and civility on vacation is not something to strive for.

I know I previously wrote a blog about not being judgmental.  Please note I am not trying to judge frivolous things like wearing short shorts, pulled up dark socks, sandals and a fanny pack.  I'm suggesting consideration to make life easier for everyone.  Other locals will be far harsher with you than I am, so I'm giving you fair warning about what not to do as a visitor.  Should you choose not to follow these guidelines, that's your business.  But don't be surprised if your picture ends up on the internet as an example of "Don't Be This Guy"... or in another blog post.