Doomsday, Shmoomsday

The world is going to end this year, just before Christmas! Panic! That's the claim from scholars freaks who buy into the ancient Mayan calendar. Except, maybe that's not exactly what the the calendar said after all. This week it came out that years of interpreting and re-interpreting Mayan beliefs may have muddled the facts and nothing actually points to an apocalyptic event.

I don't tend to buy into doomsday preaching, but I do actually ponder the end of the world. Therefore, just in case my skepticism is falsely waged and the apocalypse will indeed occur this year, I think I need to get crackin' on my seemingly ever-growing bucket list. It appears I'm going to have a wild and crazy year, but it'll be worth it in the end.

Things to do before the 2012 apocalypse, in no particular order:
-Open my own beach-themed bar. It will be so fantastic that everyone will claim all other bars in the DC metro area pale by comparison and should shut down. The bar will have a strict "no jackasses allowed" policy, with the measure of jackassery being determined on the fly by yours truly.

-Buy every single pair of shoes I see that I deem cute, no matter what the cost. This should occur at a rate of at least one pair per day. A woman can never have too many pairs of shoes. Plus, I want to look my best for the end of the world. I don't want to be immortalized for all of eternity in a pair of gross, beaten up flip flops.

-Take up bank robbing. If the world's going to end anyway, there's no reason NOT to attempt accumulating massive amounts of money for my adventures. After being forced to write at work about the stupid antics of countless bank robbers over the years, I feel like I might be able to pull off a heist or two by learning from others' mistakes. Plus, there's been a spate of these crimes in my neighborhood recently with very few perps getting caught, so I think I have a fighting chance.

The Kardashians. They. Must. Go.

-Silence the Kardashians. Upon acquiring all that bank robbery cash, I will then have more money and be more powerful than the Kardashians. Plus, I will be "up and coming" and we all know how Americans love the newest, freshest famous face. I will use my fame to force the Kardashians into submission, or perhaps deport them to a remote island where there are no cameras, there's no communication to the outside world, and from which they cannot escape. They've been tarnishing the image of Armenians for years (along with Cher), so I need to do what I can to redeem it.

-Buy the NBA. This may seem rather odd, but there's method to my madness. The NBA in its current form sucks. I loved it back in the 1990s, but the poor attitudes of players, lack of effort by players and lack of officiating have left me bitter. I was hoping last year's lockout would stick and the NBA would be forced to shut down. Because it didn't, I would like to buy the entire organization with the intent of dissolving it for the good of humanity. I will do this with the proceeds from my aforementioned bank robbing sprees.

Taco Bell all the time? Yes, please.

-Buy a house with an exposed basement and build a Taco Bell inside of it. I don't know why, but I have always loved the idea of a home with an expansive, exposed basement that opens into a lush backyard. I also have a not-so-small affinity for Taco Bell, to the extent that I imposed a rule that I may only consume it once a month. (Don't judge, we all have our fast food weaknesses.) I would like to combine the two joys such that I may scarf Taco Bell (freshly made by an around-the-clock employee) at my leisure, and then pop outside for a jog to run off the calories.

-Go on a date with Adam Sandler. Sure, we're both married, and sure, he's on a bit of a comedic decline, but that's not going to stop me. This has been a goal since my teenage years, so I might as well fulfill the dream if I'm going to die this year anyway.

Bad idea? Wait until you see what's going to make me rich.

-Invent and market a ridiculous household item that will be sold on infomercials or in "As Seen on TV" stores at the mall. The product will be mocked by people around the world but I won't care because even if people are buying the products as a joke, I'm the one laughing all the way to the bank. Chia Pet. Snuggie. Shake Weight. And now the "Forever Lazy" which is basically a body-Snuggie with zippered hatches that allow the user to easily use the restroom. They're all crazy stupid ideas that have made someone rich. I'm coming up with the next Forever Lazy.

-Become a member of a kick-ass band, preferably the Foo Fighters. I have always loved music, as mentioned in previous posts, and have said countless times that I'll come back as a musician in my next life. Considering I received a guitar for my birthday a month ago, there's no reason I can't make it happen in this lifetime... which apparently has to be by December. Dave Grohl is a musical genius but I think it's time he takes on a female sidekick.

I'm sure there are many things that will end up on this list as the year progresses, but I think for only having about 11 months left to accomplish my goals, this is a decent start. I'm also accepting suggestions of other goals that are similar in nature. Anyone who wants to assist with my missions is welcome to join. Particularly in taking down the Kardashians. I think there are countless people who would share in my glee of that one.