Monkeying Around

For what I believe is the fifth year in a row, I am asking for just one thing for Christmas: a golden lion tamarin. For the fifth year in a row, I likely will not receive one.

When I tell people about my Christmas wish, I get a lot of weird looks and scoffs. But seriously, how can you resist this little guy?? It's the same as asking for a puppy, so I really don't see the issue.

Personally, I've been wishing for a "helper monkey" for some time. It's a pet and a helper all in one. Is there something on the high shelf I can't reach? Golden lion can hop up there and grab it. An itch I can't reach on my back? Not a challenge for little monkey hands. I'm too lazy to get up and grab food from the fridge? Little guy can fetch something for me.

Don't worry, I wouldn't abuse the privilege of having such a wonderful companion. Any time he would bring me food, he'd be allowed to snack on the treats as well, of course. Maybe I'd even let him have a sip or two of beer. I want us to enjoy our time together, not have an indentured servant. Plus, I don't want to overwork the monkey and have it turn on me. Thinking about that always reminds me of an episode of "Malcom in the Middle" when Craig was injured and got a helper monkey to wait on him night and day. He didn't love the little guy, only demanded things from it, and the monkey snapped. After unsuccessfully trying to poison Craig, the following mayhem ensued. Have a look, and please ignore the dubbing over in Spanish, I couldn't find an English version. However, I think the monkey's anger comes through loud and clear. All he wants is a little love:

Sure, go ahead, act as though you're better than me. The reality of it is you probably experienced a moment at some point recently wishing you had more contact with monkeys. Whether or not you want to admit it, humans love monkeys. Granted, we typically love animals in general, which is why the pet industry is a multi-billion dollar market in America. But there's some sort of special draw to monkeys. They're cute, often have sweet personalities (except for psycho monkey above) and on some level they probably remind us of our primate roots.

Having a monkey for a pet would be fantastic for a number of reasons, but a huge one is that I wouldn't even have to take him outside, he could use the bathroom once he's potty trained. You know you'd love to visit me and have the little fur ball cuddle up next to you... or maybe even massage your shoulders. What puppy can do that?

Despite the poor odds, I'm still holding out hope that I'll find a little golden lion tamarin squirming in my Christmas stocking. If I'm denied yet again, I hope you all will feel badly for me and take up a collection to purchase one for me. Hey, it could happen.