Keep It Brief

"I need it up to my belly button."

This was the main phrase that gave me pause when I got caught next to a conversation at Target I wish I could un-hear. I'm in the intimates section and two women in the next aisle are having a... well... intimate conversation. But it's loud. They were loudly having a conversation about an intimate topic. The great panties debate was happening right next to me and like a moth to flame, I couldn't help eavesdropping on the awful conversation.

OK, let's be honest. It's not that I was eavesdropping, it's that the two women, who appeared to be approximately 80 years old, were having their conversation about panties at a decibel level normally reserved for noisy bars. They were trying to figure out if the briefs in the sealed Hanes package were what they really wanted, or if they were going to end up with "those tiny things that are too small for anyone to wear."

A Target employee, who appeared to be in her late 60s, had heard the conversation (as had everyone else in the neighboring four departments) so she sauntered over and tried assisting the ladies. I found it funny that her volume exceeded that of the other two, and I'm pretty sure everyone clearly could hear the weird panties conversation all the way in the electronics section on the other side of the building. Imagine looking at an iPod and hearing "NO, I NEED THE BRIEFS THAT GO TO MY BELLY BUTTON!"

I kept imagining something like this.

The employee assured the women that the briefs they were examining would go all the way up to the belly button and would "stay put." Then she added, "that's what I have on right now and they feel great." I stifled laughter, while also crinkling my nose in disgust. I found the whole conversation particularly amusing and although I wanted to walk away, it was kind of a train wreck I couldn't stop taking in. Images of enormous "granny
panties" and atomic wedgies danced in my brain while these three women VERY LOUDLY discussed the briefs they each were wearing. I finally forced myself to walk away when one of the women blurted out, "What if I want them to come up PAST my belly button, do you have anything like that?" All I could picture was this little old lady tangled in a huge, full-body pair of briefs and I knew I needed to get away from there before I burst into laughter.

Would I still have found this conversation so hilarious if it were carried out by, let's say, two young, hot 20-somethings? Well, quite honestly, probably. Maybe for me it was the content of the conversation that made me grimace rather than those involved. I think even supermodels discussing the need for underwear to be "full coverage" would take me aback.

Seriously though, who cares what clothes or underwear another person is wearing? Why was I so amused/repulsed by the undies conversation? I find it interesting the mental images we find disgusting... like our own parents having sex. We know where we came from and what our parents had to do to bring us into the world. But it's still weird and kinda gross. Similar to my Target situation. It made sense for the women to check to make sure they're getting full coverage briefs that wouldn't bug them by sliding down (or up?) all day long. But I still found it weird and kinda gross.

So I guess in weird situations like the Target "Battle of the Briefs," I need to channel my mother-in-law and remember one of her pet phrases: "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it."

False Sense of Security

Ahh, modern technology. How did we ever manage to survive without it? Sometimes I find attempting to remember life without cell phones now conjures images equivalent to Paleolithic man attempting to master fire. But with the convenience, the amusement and the constant staying in touch offered by smartphones comes what I consider a huge, glaring problem that's largely overlooked -- privacy. To be more specific, your privacy when it comes to using apps.

It's no secret that sites like Google, Facebook and LinkedIn farm our personal information for a variety of purposes. Whether it's to expand business reach or to improve direct marketing, websites are becoming more and more invasive. But what I'm finding most disturbing recently is the invasive nature of smartphone apps, and the fact that we knowingly choose to let them blur (or cross) the privacy line.

A partial list of app permissions

Sure, we may initially feel uncomfortable with allowing our apps to have carte blanche access to our devices, but most of us cave and click "accept" anyway. Does my Yahoo fantasy football app really need to be able to "add or remove accounts, create accounts and set passwords"? Should Twitter be able to "modify or delete the contents of your USB storage"? Why should the Washington Post need my "approximate (network-based) location, precise (GPS) location"? None of those things are necessary, yet more and more apps demand such concessions from the user.

Is a silly app THAT important that we should sacrifice our precious privacy? Deep down we know it's like signing a deal with the devil, basically opening us up to marketing phone calls and identity theft, but for some reason we ignore common sense and do it anyway. In fact, I believe most people don't even read the laundry list of permissions apps demand before clicking "install." We spend time creating passwords and security measures to prevent other people from getting into our phones, yet we completely ignore those who are already in because we allowed it.

I've started to draw a line. A while back my Facebook app stopped working on my phone unless I would upgrade to the newest version. I noticed that the newest version had added some new, more invasive permissions that I needed to approve before upgrading that app. I decided enough was enough when it demanded to use my device's hardware to "record audio, take pictures and videos". Are you kidding me? I'm supposed to be OK with Facebook taking pictures of me and my surroundings at any time? No thanks. App deleted.

One of the reasons I find people's lack of attention to invasive app permissions rather amusing is the recent uproar over the NSA's spying practices. I find it infinitely comical that the average person would grow angry at the NSA for reading personal emails, when millions of those same people gave companies like Google permission to do the very same. The NSA is doing it for national security, Google is doing it for profit. Sure, the NSA invaded privacy, but is reading your lame, boring emails worse than Facebook using your smartphone camera to watch you change clothes? Let's put things in perspective here.

As I previously mentioned, I've become more discerning with the apps I wish to download and more diligent about reading the permissions they demand. I'd recommend everyone takes a few seconds to read through the list before rushing to install Candy Crush or Yelp. Sure, we'll probably keep installing the invasive apps anyway. But at least if we read the permissions we can't be surprised when someone at Instagram posts a nude video of us on YouTube... taken directly from our own phone cameras... with our permission.

Living Social

I hearby declare dead the days of referring to someone as a social butterfly. Why the death of the term, you may ask? Because it inherently refers to being social, an act that is more or less degrading into a curious form of being social without actually being social. It's gotten to the point that often we're no longer interacting with people, we're interacting with their electronic personas.

Confused yet? Me too. I contend "social" media has warped us into non-social beings. 

Before I am accused of being holier-than-thou, let me admit to my zealous use of social media. I do my best to keep it at a manageable, sane level. Admittedly, I do not always succeed.

Gone are my evenings spent returning one call after another, chatting and giggling with friends and family. Instead, I tend toward an online chat session that better allows me to multitask instead of focusing undivided attention on an individual. The same goes for texting or posting a message on someone's online message board or "wall", which allows for an even further lack of undivided attention because of the added lag time of waiting for a person to see the message and then respond.

Although older generations tend to blame the younger generation -- Gen Y or Millennials -- I don't think that's where all the blame for the social evolution (or is it devolution?) should fall. I've seen plenty of people aged 40+ walk into traffic while texting. Countless members of older generations can be spotted in public gazing intently at iPads, oblivious to those around them. The difference is that older generations grew up with classic social conditioning but millennials have grown up in an electronic society. The reality of it may be simply that our activities are changing the definition of the word "social" and the various generations will view the term differently over time.

I actually miss the days of not being tied to an electronic device and being able to tune out. Remember the refreshing time of saying you didn't receive a phone or email message and nobody questioned it? Now saying such a thing opens us up to criticism, considering so many of us carry smart phones and can respond to every person's every need every time.

Have we become so rude and removed that we outright prefer NOT to interact with humans in real time? Are we becoming social hermits? It sure seems that way when I look around in public and watch people engrossed in their mobile devices, yet I get a blank stare and sometimes even what appears to be a look of fear if I speak to them. Certainly, this is not always the case, but it's becoming increasingly the norm to succumb to the addictive grip of mobile devices and social media outlets. People would rather follow someone on Twitter, post a photo on Instagram or check how many "likes" they received on a Facebook post than talk to a fellow human in real time. Interacting with other humans without the aid of electronic devices now often leads to socially awkward situations.

Historically, humans needed to be more social simply to survive. Some hunted, others gathered and others kept watch over the young. Now we appear to believe we can do it all alone. I contend that the increasing distancing behaviors humans exhibit could not only negatively impact society, but ultimately lead to its demise. If there is a massive earth-changing event that threatens our existence, we will need to lean on others for support and survival. The way I see things progressing in today's society, we may be doomed.

The de-socialization of society will likely swing further into the anti-social hemisphere before it comes back around, if it does. I'll be curious to see if in 20 years or so the act of genuinely being social is so far gone that it actually comes around again in a new craze. I fully believe that the hipsters (or whichever group takes the place of the hipsters in 20 years) will look at classic social activities as being retro and will make them trendy once again.

Get Over It

Trends come and go, that's just how it is. But there are some that have come and I wish they'd go. Pronto. The speed with which technology spreads ideas has created quite the inundation of memes, videos, Tweets, etc. that allow plugged in people everywhere to get in on trends that previously may have remained (mercifully) localized and largely unknown. Everyone has some "in" things that they're "so over" and here are a few I'm ready to see fade into oblivion:

Tiny head or gargantuan cap?

-Flat brimmed caps -- I just don't get these. They look weird and enormous on people's heads. The fact that The Biebs adores them certainly doesn't elevate their status in my mind. Let's get back to the gently curved caps that look like they actually fit on the wearer's head. Flat brims are sort of like the ridiculous baggy pants trend. Which brings me to...

-Ridiculous baggy pants -- I know this is not something new, considering it was mentioned by the oh-so-eloquent Cher Horowitz (Alicia Silverstone) waaaay back in the 1995 movie Clueless, but it's still worth mentioning. We all fall victim to horrible fashion trends (ahem, ladies who showed thong straps in the early 2000s) so I can't be too harsh on the guys who let the pants hang down their butts. The underwear showing doesn't bother me so much as the dudes who sport so much of a pants droop that they can't walk down the street without holding their drawers up with their hand. The odd penguin waddle that ensues just seems uncomfortable and inefficient.

-"Old" Instagram Photos -- I think Instagram is fun, but I think putting certain filters on the photos to make them look old and weathered is just dumb. I know that the younger generation may not have yet experienced the fading, yellowing or even reddening of their childhood photographs so this seems novel. But let me assure them, that wasn't something that was typically celebrated... people usually did their best to PREVENT that from happening over time because it ruins the photo. Since the introduction of the smart phone in 2007, we have done nothing but compete to have the biggest, baddest, clearest cameras on our cell phones. But the introduction of those filters that makes photos grainy and faded instantly negated all the camera progress. Stop the madness and just post your gorgeous, crisp photos.

-Tom's Shoes -- Please note that I positively love the idea behind these shoes (for every pair purchased the company gives a pair to an impoverished child in a developing nation), but I just think they're ugly. The popular original Tom's design looks like the old lady canvas shoes that Kmart has been selling each summer since about the mid-1980s. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just don't find them attractive. There's even a Facebook page called "Tom's Shoes are Ugly and Annoying." Although Tom's has expanded its offerings slightly and now has a few less-ugly options, perhaps it could team up with Steve Madden or BCBG for a killer combo of fashionable charity. Until then, I'll just have to spend a little extra time buying cute shoes and then donating my running shoes to children in Africa instead of embracing the ease of buying from Tom's.

-Cleanses, Juicing, Diet Fad du Jour -- It seems like everyone wishing to be more health conscious is trying a "cleanse" these days. The reality is many people just use the purported health benefits as an excuse to try these diets which also claim to shed pounds at record speeds. Some of them, like juice cleanses, are downright ridiculous. And for some reason, people who are doing a silly diet insist on bludgeoning those around them with every silly detail of the silly suffering. Instead of jumping on every get-thin-quick fad that isn't sustainable over the long term, I'd really like to see people embrace better exercise and daily eating habits which can be practiced for a lifetime.

-PBR -- Having grown up in Milwaukee, I'm fond of this former-hometown beer. But we always picked it up for dirt cheap prices. Now the hipsters have ruined everything and prices for the blue ribbon of beers are jacked up at the bars. Pabst Blue Ribbon is one of my examples of "I loved this before it was popular and now I hate it."

 Gross Facial Hair Anonymous

-Hipster Facial Hair -- Sure, at first those little staches with the funny curled ends looked retro and cute. That is, until every post-pubescent hipster or hippy or downright dirty or wannabe cool male started sporting real life molester mustaches. Full blown unruly, raggedy beards followed, often complete with holes where the hair won't grow in right. Dudes, cut the porn staches because for the most part they just look creepy and stupid. If you're going to go full beard, at least groom it. I'm curious to hear how people regularly kiss these men with copious amounts of scraggly facial hair... my face is raw just thinking about it. You know the trend has gone overboard when scores of women and kids join in on the facial hair trend and sport stick-on staches.

Just no.

Enough!

OK, rant finished. I'm sure there are countless other trends I missed that need to be over, ASAP. Let me know if you have other groan-worthy examples of overly-hyped ideas society needs to let fall to the wayside.

It's Not Just in Your Head

Last Friday, hearts broke across America and around the world at the news of a young man killing dozens of people at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Along with the sadness comes the natural anger at such an occurrence, and the rush to find solutions to prevent a similar tragedy from erupting in the future. The incident immediately sparked discussion about gun control, but that's not what I'm addressing in this post. I'd like to focus on a far more prevalent, yet less talked about issue -- mental illness.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than 25% of Americans suffer from some type of mental disorder in any given year. That means at least one out of every four people you know is struggling with a mental disorder. Think you don't know anyone affected? Consider that while the term "mental disorder" covers well-known illnesses such as schizophrenia and depression, it also includes post traumatic stress disorder, eating disorders, ADHD, and anxiety or panic disorders. Mental illness isn't black and white, it's more of a sliding scale with varying degrees of severity. Just within each individual category, such as depression, there are nearly infinite degrees and variations. If you still think you don't know anybody with any of these issues, I would respectfully contend that you're probably not paying close enough attention.

Why are we so afraid to address mental disorders with our loved ones? Physical ailments don't carry the same stigma, but both are maladies that occur due to a problem with some part of the body. The only difference is that many "physical" injuries are easily visible, whereas "mental" issues are brought on by invisible chemical reactions in the brain. Even if you have a minor cut on your face or a burn on your arm, someone undoubtedly seems ready to point it out. Yet we skirt around speaking about major mental afflictions when we recognize them in our loved ones. We will talk about other personal matters, such as erectile dysfunction, but not depression. Can you believe that? People are often more willing to talk about penises than brains. Something about that strikes me as rather warped.

Avoiding the topic may be more comfortable in the short term, but it benefits nobody in the long term. If we don't address mental disorders when we notice them, they can be left to fester and escalate to irreparable levels, such as in the Newtown incident.

I feel that we're not only negligent in speaking to those close to us about their potential disorders, but we're fearful to talk about mental illness at all. When we do, it's often only in extreme scenarios such such as what happened in Connecticut, and demonizing language is employed. With anger and disgust, we spout words like "sick" or "twisted" rather than sadly talking about the "desperation" or "helplessness" that many with mental disorders feel. It doesn't have to be this way. We don't need to be fearful of these illnesses and make them taboo topics. There are already enough barriers to receiving proper help, including the lack of insurance coverage for many mental disorders. The last thing an afflicted person needs is to feel odd or to be confronted by harsh, accusatory statements.

I grew excited while watching one of the major network news programs this week when they advertised a comprehensive discussion about mental illness, but upon viewing the segment, I grew increasingly dismayed. It began by touting the prevalence of mental disorders (this report cited 47% as the number of Americans suffering from some type of mental affliction), but then immediately turned to focus on the rare, extreme cases and repeatedly used the word "sick" in a derogatory manner. Such language does nothing to further the cause; it merely perpetuates the unfortunate stereotype of mental illness being freakish and uncommon.

I urge you to talk to your loved ones about mental illness, regardless of whether it's currently a pressing issue.  You never know when it will become an issue in the future, and often already having the lines of communication open can make the discussion less uncomfortable. Make it known that you don't believe mental illness carries a stigma, that it's just like any physical ailment in need of treatment. Most of all, let your loved one know he or she is not alone. The feelings of guilt, embarrassment and despair that come with mental disorders can often seem insurmountable; sometimes just a hug and an "I'm always here for you and support you" can make all the difference.

Applaud those who seek out help for their disorders. It's painfully difficult to get to that point, considering all the negative connotations our society places on receiving assistance from a psychologist. It's also painfully difficult for those with mental illness to continue seeing a professional once improvement is evident. Continued support goes a long way in keeping a patient on the right track.

Finally, choose your words wisely. Perpetuating the use of harsh language doesn't benefit anyone. Making people with mental illness feel more "normal" could mean the difference between recovery and being pushed over the edge into a severe situation. Whatever happens, just don't sit by idly and watch someone self destruct. That, in my opinion, would be the real tragedy.

Apocalypse Now

For the past several years, zombies have been all the rage (so have vampires, but we're not going there today). Films and TV shows have been raking in mucho moolah depicting the aftermath of the zombie apocalypse. There's one movie in particular I find particularly amusing for its list of tips to avoid becoming zombie grub: Zombieland.

The Zombieland tips are fantastic, including such gems as "double tap" (always shoot zombies twice to ensure they're dead) and "cardio" (stay in shape so you can outrun the baddies. "The first ones to go... are the fatties" according to the movie). Before reading further, go watch this movie. It's hilarious.

In honor of Halloween, I have compiled some zombie apocalypse survival tips of my own. However, there are already far too many aimed at humans, so in a bit of a twist, these are aimed at the zombies. Here are my pearls of wisdom for zombies to stay alive, er, dead, um, undead, or whatever "night walker" state they want to sustain:

-Fire resistant clothing -- OK, so you don't like fire. In fact, it's one of your top two worst enemies. So do something about it. How about scouring the Halloween aisle at Target, considering all those kiddie costumes say "flame retardant." Put on a few of those bad boys and at least you'll have a light, flexible option to prevent burning up.

-Wear a helmet -- Also available at Target. It's no secret that attacks to the head are the only other way to kill zombies besides fire. Bike helmets will suffice, but opt for a full face-covering motorcycle helmet if it's available. In a pinch, a metal bucket or large soup pot with cut outs for your eyes should do the trick.

-Use stupidity to your advantage -- Not your stupidity, the humans' stupidity. If you've seen ANY horror movies, you know that poor judgment will eventually take over and the humans will make ridiculous, amateurish mistakes... such as thinking they're the exception to the zombie rules and you won't actually nab them. Zombie attacks only happen to other people. Stay alert to find ways to trip up the humans... both literally and figuratively.

-Makeup -- Face it, you're disgusting. And the more you decay, the creepier you look. The creepier you look, the more humans will flee from you. Sephora has free makeup testers, so head over there and cover up that gaping flesh wound if you want humans to relate to you. Which brings me to...

-Play the stereotypical sympathy/love card (if you're a dude zombie) -- This works primarily on women and goes along with the previous point of relating to humans. If the vampire love in "Twilight" has taught us anything, it's that inter-species lovin' is not only possible, it's encouraged (at least that's what I've heard. I can't read that teen-lit "sparkle" vampire stuff). Work that zombie lovin', then take a bite.

-Play the stereotypical skank (if you're a lady zombie) --  This goes along with the previous two points and works primarily on men. If mankind has taught us anything, it's that it doesn't take much for men to turn to putty when presented with a skanky female specimen. Even if that specimen is a zombie. Work that slutty zombie lovin', then take a bite.

-Tools --  I understand that with all the herky jerky movements and rotting appendages, holding and operating tools is a difficult task. However, due to said jerky and slow movements, mastering easy tools to capture your prey at a distance is imperative because they can usually out-run you. While still at Target, consider costume props such as ninja stars or lassos. Or check out someplace like Fleet Farm for bear traps. Such traps are effective at immobilizing your prey, while still keeping them alive so the flesh is fresh.

-Pace yourself/element of surprise -- Don't go storming into a crowd of humans like the bros rushing a hot girl at a bar. That's never appreciated and will only result in your prey escaping with a snort and an eye roll (while during the zombie apocalypse AND at the bar). Growling and trying to quickly attack humans simply alerts them to your presence, so you need to be stealthy. Fight the driving urge to EAT BRAINS NOW and lie amongst other dead bodies without stirring. You'll blend in well. Or cover yourself with some of the debris you find littering the streets (because the streets in zombie movies are consistently filled with crap) and pounce when unsuspecting prey nears.

-Hit the beach -- We've seen the played-out scenarios of zombies invading cities. But how about visiting less obvious places like the beach, where sun bathers are relatively lethargic and ripe for the biting? Plus, they're freshly cooked from the UV rays, so they should have a nice, meaty taste.

-Snack -- Look, we all snack. You can't be expected to put in a full day of work (in this case hunting humans) on a completely empty stomach. While munching on animal flesh may not be nearly as gratifying as noshing on human flesh, have a little nibble. Remember when you were alive and your stomach was growling? Remember how it wasn't really that satisfying but sometimes you'd reach for the readily available, yet crappy, rice cake just so you could hold out for the steak dinner you had planned for later that night? Employ those tactics now and have a snack of a small rodent or chicken while awaiting the glorious feast of stupid humans once it grows dark.

-Dance to "Thriller" -- You hate to admit it, but it's your guilty pleasure. Get down with your zombie self and take a few minutes to indulge in the joy of performing as one of the creatures accompanying MJ in the classic video. After all, it's Halloween. Treat yourself.

Don't fight it. You know you crave a dance with MJ.

Whether you're alive, dead or undead, Happy Halloween and best of luck to you during the apocalypse.

Forever Young

As any parent can tell you, the sea of children's items continues to expand on a daily basis. Many of these products are kid versions of similar adults items. Recently I've noticed a counter-trend: some products for grown-ups that appear to actually be modeled after products children use. Here are the items I've noticed so far and believe were inspired by kiddie items:

-Disposable coffee lids -- Remember back when asking for a lid on your coffee meant snapping on one of those old school pull tab style lids that looked like this?

Not so anymore. Apparently adult lips were too inconvenienced by the inferior opening. Now, everywhere you look adults are suckling upon lids with a little spout resembling toddlers' sippy cups. All we need is to add handles to the coffee cups and the comparison is complete. I blame Starbucks.

  

-Hygienic wipes -- A few years ago a "new" product hit the market claiming to make you feel fresh and clean after doing your duty in the restroom. This product is a hygienic wipe. Perhaps you remember the Charmin bears advertising said product. There's no way you can convince me this isn't just a glorified baby wipe.

-Footed pajamas -- I really have no knowledge of where the first footed pajamas originated. They could have been common for adults back in the days before central heating systems, when people wore those all-in-one long johns with buttoned butt flaps. But any photos I've seen of those are always footless. So I contend that the footed pajamas we've bundled kids in for ages have spurred the recent surge in examples for adults. I'm not judging because I love snuggling up in those things, just like I did when I was a kid.

-Recumbent bikes -- Personally, I don't care for these but some people love them. Kids do too. Except when kids ride them, they're called Big Wheels. Carry on, recumbent bikers, you look really cool, like a big boy.

 

-White Noise Machines -- It seems like white noise machines really took off as sleep aids for average household use around the mid-1990s. Talk about an invention to solve a first world problem! Anyway, I think they're just expensive versions of the light and sound machines parents have been using for decades to ease baby into a blissful slumber.

-Magnetic Poetry -- This is another product I believe really took off around the mid-1990s. The giggle inducing word kits started off innocently enough, but usually devolved into immature antics. These kits were surely inspired by someone watching kids arranging their magnetic letters on the fridge.

-Individual wine boxes -- I applaud whoever invented the concept of shrinking the cumbersome boxes of wine down to servings that can be taken on the go. Now there's no reason to go to work, the store or church and remain sober. Except that the idea of the mini-box isn't that original and began with kids' juice boxes. Now mommy can enjoy her happy juice while junior slurps away on Juicy Juice.

I have no concrete evidence supporting my theory that the preceding adult products were created after children's products, but I stand by my observations. Sure, it's really a futile chicken-and-egg type of argument. But I'd like to think that in some small way, the product inventors unconsciously attempted to bring all of us closer to our inner children. You know, while sipping wine and arranging dirty phrases on refrigerators.