The Price of Partying

New Year's Eve is upon us. That time of year when some people scramble trying to find the hippest, most fun party option in an attempt to erase all that sucked during the past 12 months and end the year on a high note. For others, it's a night to cross their arms as tightly as possible over their chests, put on the surliest face imaginable, and chastise anyone who goes out for buying into the over-hyped disappointment that New Year's Eve will inevitably become. I find myself more in the middle of these two extremes.

I do enjoy a good NYE outing, but it's not the be-all-and-end-all of events. Some of my favorite NYE memories have included chill nights playing board games and sipping champagne. But considering I like going out in general, it would make sense that I enjoy a good NYE bash. There is, however, one major problem: I'm a cheap-ass and NYE bashes (particularly in the DC area) can cost an arm and a leg.

I blame restaurants and bars for the sour attitudes of so many people on NYE, due to grossly inflated prices. These costs push many people into the belief that going out for NYE just isn't worth it. For restaurants, it's really not necessary to double the price of a meal, tack on a dessert and claim that constitutes a "special menu." For bars, the all-you-can-drink option is great, but $95 for that privilege is a bit outlandish. Sure, there are some recent college grads who likely will drink that $95 worth and then some, but I believe such a feat is rare, especially for someone of my vintage.

Even more frustrating than the already inflated prices is the fact that each year the price seems to rise at a disgusting rate. Many of the top NYE events in DC last year started at $120 (!!) and this year started at $140, increasing as the day grows closer. I highly doubt that enough has been added over last year, or that costs have skyrocketed so exponentially, that another $20 is required from each of the hundreds of people in attendance.

Think you'll get $140 worth at this packed party? Doubtful.

Along with the frustration of crazy costs, it's disturbing to witness how little some places include with the price. Some venues simply charge a cover because they can, and don't even offer anything additional than what they do on a typical night. Plus, to pay crazy amounts and receive a measly 3 drink tickets and some paltry appetizers that run out after an hour is ludicrous. And if you really think that champagne toast is going to be worth it, think again. Many places are so packed you'll be lucky to simply get close to the area where the champagne is being handed out. Heck, you might be lucky to get served three times that night with the number of people crammed around the bar. All-you-can-drink for $140? And you only managed to get your hands on three drinks? I think you just got ripped off, my friend. For $140 I can hop on a plane and fly somewhere, which will be far more fulfilling than watching drunk, skanky women and frat boy types becoming overly inebriated such that they might have the courage to steal a midnight kiss from some unsuspecting guest.

I know some of you reading this will probably chalk up the ridiculous prices to my location, claiming "Of course it's expensive, it's DC." I agree that the area is definitely expensive, but not enough to warrant that kind of pricing. I promise you such inflation occurs everywhere, and I'm imploring the people who perpetuate the problem to bring it to an end.

Don't force it and end up like this drunken mess on NYE.

Imagine how much happier we would be if we didn't force ourselves to get the most out of our money that one night a year, thus drinking/eating far too much. When forced to consume such quantities in such a short amount of time, it's no wonder so many people end up a bloated, mascara-smeared, droopy eyed drunken mess. The black out which follows the copious amounts of drinking will undoubtedly cause even more irritation the next day when the person realizes s/he paid $140 and can't even remember what transpired at the party. (Example: "OMG did I get the midnight kiss from that hot guy? No?! You're telling me I passed out with my skirt around my waist, butt sticking out, hair looking like a rat's nest and makeup looking like Alice Cooper? And it cost me $140? Fail!")

I think it would alleviate so much stress surrounding the holiday if more fun, affordable options presented themselves. Right now, far too many of the no-cover or affordable options don't really do much, if anything, to celebrate NYE. I'm sure there has to be some way to put together a party environment without charging obscene entry fees. I'm not asking for a blow-out gala, but $20 for three drinks, some tasty appetizers and music would be fantastic. Plus, if the night went south and I had an awful time, that $20 wouldn't pain me nearly as much as $140 flushed down the pooper.

While I really think the cost plays a huge factor in people's disappointment with NYE, I also think part of the problem is setting unreasonable expectations. Feeling forced to have fun is frustrating, so do what works for you personally. If that's staying in your jammies and drinking champagne, do it. If it's going out to the local dive bar and drinking some High Life (the Champagne of Beers) at midnight, so be it. And if it means heading out somewhere to shake your booty, that's fine too. But whatever you decide, I'd very highly recommend boycotting the ridiculously priced bashes that will do nothing but leave you, and your wallet, feeling empty.

Monkeying Around

For what I believe is the fifth year in a row, I am asking for just one thing for Christmas: a golden lion tamarin. For the fifth year in a row, I likely will not receive one.

When I tell people about my Christmas wish, I get a lot of weird looks and scoffs. But seriously, how can you resist this little guy?? It's the same as asking for a puppy, so I really don't see the issue.

Personally, I've been wishing for a "helper monkey" for some time. It's a pet and a helper all in one. Is there something on the high shelf I can't reach? Golden lion can hop up there and grab it. An itch I can't reach on my back? Not a challenge for little monkey hands. I'm too lazy to get up and grab food from the fridge? Little guy can fetch something for me.

Don't worry, I wouldn't abuse the privilege of having such a wonderful companion. Any time he would bring me food, he'd be allowed to snack on the treats as well, of course. Maybe I'd even let him have a sip or two of beer. I want us to enjoy our time together, not have an indentured servant. Plus, I don't want to overwork the monkey and have it turn on me. Thinking about that always reminds me of an episode of "Malcom in the Middle" when Craig was injured and got a helper monkey to wait on him night and day. He didn't love the little guy, only demanded things from it, and the monkey snapped. After unsuccessfully trying to poison Craig, the following mayhem ensued. Have a look, and please ignore the dubbing over in Spanish, I couldn't find an English version. However, I think the monkey's anger comes through loud and clear. All he wants is a little love:

Sure, go ahead, act as though you're better than me. The reality of it is you probably experienced a moment at some point recently wishing you had more contact with monkeys. Whether or not you want to admit it, humans love monkeys. Granted, we typically love animals in general, which is why the pet industry is a multi-billion dollar market in America. But there's some sort of special draw to monkeys. They're cute, often have sweet personalities (except for psycho monkey above) and on some level they probably remind us of our primate roots.

Having a monkey for a pet would be fantastic for a number of reasons, but a huge one is that I wouldn't even have to take him outside, he could use the bathroom once he's potty trained. You know you'd love to visit me and have the little fur ball cuddle up next to you... or maybe even massage your shoulders. What puppy can do that?

Despite the poor odds, I'm still holding out hope that I'll find a little golden lion tamarin squirming in my Christmas stocking. If I'm denied yet again, I hope you all will feel badly for me and take up a collection to purchase one for me. Hey, it could happen.

The Great Divide

Ahhh, panties. Few items have been so loved throughout history as these tiny pieces of fabric. But as of late, they've been causing me some distress. Not my own, mind you, but others'. In the past couple weeks as pants and winter skirts are replacing flowing summer sundresses, I have witnessed far too many women falling victim to the unfortunate phenomenon I will call "cut butt."

If you're having trouble figuring out what I'm talking about, stay with me here. The "cut butt" occurs when women wear form fitting clothing and then panties that slice through the middle of their butt. This creates a less-than-attractive line at best, and the illusion of having four cheeks at worst. See the picture below for a more accurate representation of what I'm talking about.

Ladies, c'mon. Nobody likes this.

While initially it may appear that this is a malady only very large people would encounter while wearing small underwear, that is not the case. Sadly, everyone can fall victim to cut butt, no matter how thin or muscular. As you can tell, the lady in the picture above is slight, but still suffers from cut butt due to making a questionable clothing decision before leaving the house. Sporting a cut butt makes any person look larger than she is.

Suffering from the cut butt is one of my fears. I'm sure I've disgusted people with it on a few occasions, but I do my best not to walk around in public looking like this. As odd as it may sound, I nearly always do a "butt check" before leaving the house to ensure I'm not rockin' multiple-cheek action.

I know I previously wrote a blog about being less judgmental, and I'd like to go on record as saying I'm not judging, I'm trying to help. I actually feel badly for women who have the cut butt because they clearly don't realize what's going on back there, and would likely be horrified at the rear view they're providing. I'm simply offering a friendly public service announcement.

Thank you, Victoria's Secret.

This whole problem actually can be alleviated quite easily. It's through the use of a handy little item called the thong. I know some people are reluctant to delve into the realm of thongs for fear of how it feels. However, it's really not uncomfortable like you would think. I believe it's at least worth a try when you consider the alternative of walking around with a cut butt. The other option is going out to buy larger sizes of underwear and clothes, but nobody wants to buy larger sized clothes. I'm just trying to save your pride and money.

I know some middle-aged and older women (and sometimes younger women, too) often have a mental block about the thong due to skanky images it may conjure. To these people I would advise the following: take a deep breath, realize that nobody else will know you're wearing a thong, and take the plunge. This fashion wonder has become so commonplace it's really not an item that should be considered intimidating anymore. 

OK fine, maybe you're still not convinced about the wonders of the thong. That's fine, but then you're going to have to devise your own solution to the cut butt problem. All I'm asking is that you take a backward glance in the mirror before going out of the house so you don't end up looking like something's getting strangled in your pants. If you don't do this for yourself, please do it for me, so I don't have to cringe and be embarrassed for you for ruining such a fine derriere. 

International Delight

It's pretty common knowledge that I love a good deal. I believe one of my first posts was about seeking out freebies. I've discovered that some of the best places in town to get greatly discounted groceries are the international markets. They not only have incredibly reasonable produce, but also an enormous variety of veggies not found at any other stores.

If you don't have one of these places near you, perhaps you're picturing an outdoor farmers market. However, I'm referring to indoor supermarkets dedicated almost solely to international foods. In my area, there is "H Mart" and "Grand Mart", both of which are largely Asian, with Hispanic and Middle Eastern foods thrown in as well. I've found that shopping at these places is like shopping at Marshall's... some of them are phenomenal and others have sub-par goods and emit nauseating smells. Still, I pursue them for their unusual goods.

I love cooking and I love exhibiting diversity in my cooking, but it can sometimes prove difficult to find more exotic ingredients. Some of my "ethnic" cookbooks are so authentic that I have to fill in the blanks to figure out what they're talking about. Therefore, you can imagine the contorted face I make when reading some lesser known ingredients. That is, lesser known until I step into the fabled international store.

In addition to more commonly used items like sesame oil, soba noodles, black fungus, rice vinegar and various dumplings, I like going to these stores to be surprised. There are many, many obscure items I have never seen the likes of in my typical American supermarkets. Take this next vegetable, for instance. The sign said it's "Indian bitter melon." You're actually supposed to eat the bumpy skin and all, according to Wikipedia. It has the consistency of a cucumber, but is very bitter and gets more bitter while it ages. Hmmm. I'm thinkin' no on the weird bitter veggies.

Fun to look at, but that's about it for me.

The one use that actually made sense to me was that the bitter melon is sometimes used in place of hops when making some types of beer. Being that I don't yet make my own beer, I'm still going to pass on this veggie.

There are a lot of items that I can't figure out the contents of, and the foreign character writing doesn't help. It's not even the same alphabet, by any stretch of the imagination, so it's not as though I can attempt to sound it out or find the root of the word. At times, I've tried asking people working at the store for assistance. That is an adventure in itself and can be met with a nice answer, or the often encountered alternative of a blank stare. I also get a lot of smiles and nods with no actual answer. When that's the case, I've turned to total avoidance. Otherwise I end up with potentially sketchy things like this:

Is it mustard? Curry?  Liquified animal?

I applaud more adventurous people who might buy such items and experiment with them. However, I just can't bring myself to do it. Seeing all the fish parts and chicken feet in the store, I can't stomach spending money on something I'll take one whiff of and throw out. And believe me, you should not take whiffs of some of these things because you will throw them out. I know they often taste delicious when cooked with other foods, but the raw materials are enough to turn my stomach. The amount of dried seafood and animal parts is mind boggling. Anyway, check out the next picture. It very well could be sliced horse testicles for all I know, so I must stay away from it.

Stay very far away from "mystery meat."

This also goes for any item that has a very brief description in English which really isn't too descriptive. I don't care how tasty that bag of frozen dumplings looks, if the English words underneath all the characters simply say "meat dumpling" I'm walking away. Exactly what kind of meat is in that package? Sometimes I really don't want to know, so I stick with my familiar chicken (which probably isn't the same "parts" I'm used to eating, anyway. Let's ignore that.).

Some of my favorites are the English words on seemingly normal items. They don't even seem unusual... until you take a closer look and discover that one teeny element got lost in translation.

I wonder what THIS tastes like.

I'd encourage everyone to take a whirl through some unfamiliar supermarkets, particularly those catering to immigrants and lovers of imported foods. I know the movement right now is to eat locally and I definitely respect that, too. But there's a wealth of learning at our local supermarkets that many people overlook. Be warned--these places tend to be madhouses on the weekends so going during off hours is preferable. But then again, dodging carts like bumper cars as people of various ethnicities gesture wildly and yell in their native languages is kind of half the fun. They sometimes seem creeped out as I stare at the unidentified items in their carts, but hey, I'm trying. Maybe one day I'll be feasting on that spicy cock soup with chicken feet, dried fish balls and spikey-skinned vegetables. Until then (if that day EVER comes), I'll just stick with my jicama, tahini and kaffir lime leaves.