Movin' on Up

My dear readers, it is time to move on. A few months ago I began a new blogging adventure and I am now focusing my attention on that. The new site, Slices of Py, focuses a lot on travel, food, drink, cultures and has silly, random stuff thrown in. You'll be able to check out things like the amazing food in Istanbul, the best beaches on Grand Cayman Island, my experience with censorship in the United Arab Emirates, ridiculously inappropriate Christmas songs, and video of a happy dog running through a fountain. I am not necessarily saying Py in the Sky is dead forever, so let's just call this a long hiatus. Until I am able to commit to regularly posting here (if that day comes), I hope you will join me at Slices of Py. You can also follow Slices of Py on Facebook and Twitter to make sure you get all the latest updates, photos and random chatter.

Now, just for old times sake, I leave you with a funny video. Because I'm a journalist and spent a lot of years in TV, I appreciate these TV news fails and hope you will too. Thanks for your continued support!

Don't Give Me No Lines and Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Let's face it, the NFL has had a really bad year, and it's only four weeks into the season. It's reputation is worse than in 2012 when the replacement idiots officials caused the controversial Fail Mary situation... and as a Packers fan, that's saying a lot. Seriously though, the stigma of having several players in hot water because of domestic abuse and child abuse is tarnishing the league's image. Domestic abuse and child abuse are deplorable, inexcusable acts, but I don't think it's just those two types of abuse we should focus on; shouldn't we be appalled at all types of abuse against anyone?

Following the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson announcements, I saw some people (mostly men) posting on Facebook and Twitter such statements as "I would never hit a woman or a child." Why should the abuse stop at women and children? Why couldn't these statements instead say "I would never hit a person." Why is it not OK for a man to hit a woman or a child, but it's OK for a man to hit another man, or a woman to hit another woman? I contend it's not.

People don't like being touched aggressively, it's not that hard to figure out. And really, there's no need for physical altercations except in life-threatening situations, which are incredibly rare. But in American society we see more and more examples of people assaulting each other as if it's the norm, and perhaps even admirable. We see men fight each other for no good reason in bars, women slap each other silly on reality television, and women punching men because they didn't like what the guy said. It ALL needs to stop.

Remember back when we were young and our parents and teachers constantly told us to keep our hands to ourselves? No hitting, punching, slapping, poking, kicking, nothing. I'm not really sure at what age they stop saying that, or at what age we apparently forget it, but maybe we should take that message to heart again. A lot of conflicts and their escalation to violence could be avoided simply by respecting people and their space enough not to touch them aggressively. How about instead of resorting to physical violence we use our brains and employ some good conflict resolution skills?

That respect thing seems like it might be the root cause. Our diminishing respect for each other appears to be more prevalent each day. So many people do not respect their own lives, much less the lives of others. And many have become so self-absorbed/self-obsessed/conceited/whatever that only their own life has value, not the lives of others. Well guess what, people? If you live in modern society, where there are MANY, MANY HUMANS, you must learn to respect and deal with them. It's just that simple. If you can't follow that one rule, feel free to hole up in a cave somewhere free from the pestering of other humans.

Let's end on a high note. Remember that cheesy-fab group Erasure and its song "A Little Respect?" How about taking some of the lyrics in that song and making it our collective human motto? Check it out:

And if I should falter

Would you open your arms out to me

We can make love not war

And live at peace with our hearts

....

Oh baby please, give a little respect to me.

And there you go. I drove home a point AND got that infectious song stuck in your head. Now go forth, show respect, and keep your hands to yourself.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye

Last week, I had the misfortune of attending the funeral of my last remaining grandparent. Funerals are never easy, and this one sucked as much as I expected. It really got me thinking about death, funerals and obituaries. I think the digital age is the death knell of funerals and obituaries as we know them.

Obviously, I knew of my grandma's death and flew to Milwaukee to be with my family. But during the wake I marveled at the number of people who said something to the effect of, "I read of your grandma's death in the obituaries..."

Obituaries. Something I haven't thought of in ages. Something I never had read regularly, and certainly not at all since I started getting my news online. Something I honestly don't see myself delving into again.

It's pretty obvious that newspapers are dying and most of the content lives online. But online obituaries are hidden. They're not on most publications' home pages or even available as a tab to click. You actually have to perform a search to find obituaries. To me, that signals the end. It now seems impossible to sustain any type of business without a strong internet presence and ease of use. We're no longer patient enough to jump through hoops to get to our content.

I currently don't read the obituaries in any form. Hearing so many people at my grandma's wake speak of the concept really made me question future attendance at funerals once we lose the paper-reading generations. I realized I never would know my friends' or colleagues' loved ones had passed unless it were posted on social media.

There is something so special and heartwarming about others showing up to pay sympathy. For three full hours, the line at my grandma's wake was out the door. In 90 degree heat. I know the support meant a ton to my dad and his brother and sister. I saw people I hadn't spoken to in decades and I couldn't believe they stood in line for up to an hour (especially in the heat) just to pay their respects to people they hadn't seen in years.

That practice may be lost on younger generations. If we don't post the loss on social media and we've shunned traditional media like newspapers, how will we know to offer support? Will funeral homes and churches see fewer and fewer people for funerals because we're uninformed?

I really don't know the answer and welcome your feedback. Let me know how you see it, by leaving a message in the comments section. Will family and friends find some other way to learn of loved ones' losses? Will attendance at wakes and funerals dwindle and eventually make them obsolete? Will attendance somehow remain steady? I'm curious to hear your thoughts.

Good Things in Small Packages

Ahhhh, hotel stays. The fluffy beds, college-sized fridges and most importantly, the free toiletries. Of all the things to get excited about during a hotel stay, I like the toiletry selection more than just about anything else. Although the offerings tend to be merely average in most cases, I always hold out hope for the swanky toiletry stash. It can make me as giddy as having two snacks drop out of a vending machine when I only paid for one.

I'm constantly compelled to swipe those teeny treats because I paid for them in the price of the room, you know? Some say room prices could drop if hotels didn't provide so many toiletries, but that's not for me to decide. I'm just working the current problem as I see it. (Remember that episode of Friends where Ross crammed his suitcase full of every "free" item he could get his hands on in his hotel room?)

How much free stuff is too much? Typically, I'd immediately say you can never have too much. If it's offered to you, grab it! But recently I've been re-examining my thinking. I was doing some spring cleaning and found dozens of unused mini items I'd accrued at hotels over the past few years. Check out the photo. Do you know how much space these products take up underneath my bathroom sink?! Some of the products weren't even good anymore. So why the heck did I keep them, and more importantly, why the heck do I continue to grab the free goodies everywhere I go? Am I a hoarder??

No, I'm definitely not a hoarder. I think mostly I like the adrenaline rush of seemingly getting something for FREE. That, and the ability to try out a new product I may be unfamiliar with. But I can't figure out why I even bother taking some of these products if they smell gross to me and I know I'll never use them. I cannot think of a single instance when I have used one of the sewing or shoe shine kits offered in hotels. Still, I take them. Every day the toiletries are replenished and every day I swipe more. I. Can't. Stop.

I've recently purged my growing stash of mini toiletries. The photo above shows about one-third fewer tiny bottles than I had two months ago. I threw out the really old ones that couldn't be used. I'm doing a much better job now of using the ones I really like, particularly at the gym or the pool. Any that I know right away I won't use in the next six months, I am giving to the women's shelter down the street.

I think my new system will work to keep my bathroom uncluttered and to ensure the mini products don't go to waste. Sure, I could stop swiping every sewing kit or shower cap or makeup removing cloth I come across. But let's be honest. This girl likes free stuff too much and she's going to continue doing a silly little happy dance every time she grabs a fistful of mini goodies and shoves them into her suitcase.

Keep It Brief

"I need it up to my belly button."

This was the main phrase that gave me pause when I got caught next to a conversation at Target I wish I could un-hear. I'm in the intimates section and two women in the next aisle are having a... well... intimate conversation. But it's loud. They were loudly having a conversation about an intimate topic. The great panties debate was happening right next to me and like a moth to flame, I couldn't help eavesdropping on the awful conversation.

OK, let's be honest. It's not that I was eavesdropping, it's that the two women, who appeared to be approximately 80 years old, were having their conversation about panties at a decibel level normally reserved for noisy bars. They were trying to figure out if the briefs in the sealed Hanes package were what they really wanted, or if they were going to end up with "those tiny things that are too small for anyone to wear."

A Target employee, who appeared to be in her late 60s, had heard the conversation (as had everyone else in the neighboring four departments) so she sauntered over and tried assisting the ladies. I found it funny that her volume exceeded that of the other two, and I'm pretty sure everyone clearly could hear the weird panties conversation all the way in the electronics section on the other side of the building. Imagine looking at an iPod and hearing "NO, I NEED THE BRIEFS THAT GO TO MY BELLY BUTTON!"

I kept imagining something like this.

The employee assured the women that the briefs they were examining would go all the way up to the belly button and would "stay put." Then she added, "that's what I have on right now and they feel great." I stifled laughter, while also crinkling my nose in disgust. I found the whole conversation particularly amusing and although I wanted to walk away, it was kind of a train wreck I couldn't stop taking in. Images of enormous "granny
panties" and atomic wedgies danced in my brain while these three women VERY LOUDLY discussed the briefs they each were wearing. I finally forced myself to walk away when one of the women blurted out, "What if I want them to come up PAST my belly button, do you have anything like that?" All I could picture was this little old lady tangled in a huge, full-body pair of briefs and I knew I needed to get away from there before I burst into laughter.

Would I still have found this conversation so hilarious if it were carried out by, let's say, two young, hot 20-somethings? Well, quite honestly, probably. Maybe for me it was the content of the conversation that made me grimace rather than those involved. I think even supermodels discussing the need for underwear to be "full coverage" would take me aback.

Seriously though, who cares what clothes or underwear another person is wearing? Why was I so amused/repulsed by the undies conversation? I find it interesting the mental images we find disgusting... like our own parents having sex. We know where we came from and what our parents had to do to bring us into the world. But it's still weird and kinda gross. Similar to my Target situation. It made sense for the women to check to make sure they're getting full coverage briefs that wouldn't bug them by sliding down (or up?) all day long. But I still found it weird and kinda gross.

So I guess in weird situations like the Target "Battle of the Briefs," I need to channel my mother-in-law and remember one of her pet phrases: "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it."

False Sense of Security

Ahh, modern technology. How did we ever manage to survive without it? Sometimes I find attempting to remember life without cell phones now conjures images equivalent to Paleolithic man attempting to master fire. But with the convenience, the amusement and the constant staying in touch offered by smartphones comes what I consider a huge, glaring problem that's largely overlooked -- privacy. To be more specific, your privacy when it comes to using apps.

It's no secret that sites like Google, Facebook and LinkedIn farm our personal information for a variety of purposes. Whether it's to expand business reach or to improve direct marketing, websites are becoming more and more invasive. But what I'm finding most disturbing recently is the invasive nature of smartphone apps, and the fact that we knowingly choose to let them blur (or cross) the privacy line.

A partial list of app permissions

Sure, we may initially feel uncomfortable with allowing our apps to have carte blanche access to our devices, but most of us cave and click "accept" anyway. Does my Yahoo fantasy football app really need to be able to "add or remove accounts, create accounts and set passwords"? Should Twitter be able to "modify or delete the contents of your USB storage"? Why should the Washington Post need my "approximate (network-based) location, precise (GPS) location"? None of those things are necessary, yet more and more apps demand such concessions from the user.

Is a silly app THAT important that we should sacrifice our precious privacy? Deep down we know it's like signing a deal with the devil, basically opening us up to marketing phone calls and identity theft, but for some reason we ignore common sense and do it anyway. In fact, I believe most people don't even read the laundry list of permissions apps demand before clicking "install." We spend time creating passwords and security measures to prevent other people from getting into our phones, yet we completely ignore those who are already in because we allowed it.

I've started to draw a line. A while back my Facebook app stopped working on my phone unless I would upgrade to the newest version. I noticed that the newest version had added some new, more invasive permissions that I needed to approve before upgrading that app. I decided enough was enough when it demanded to use my device's hardware to "record audio, take pictures and videos". Are you kidding me? I'm supposed to be OK with Facebook taking pictures of me and my surroundings at any time? No thanks. App deleted.

One of the reasons I find people's lack of attention to invasive app permissions rather amusing is the recent uproar over the NSA's spying practices. I find it infinitely comical that the average person would grow angry at the NSA for reading personal emails, when millions of those same people gave companies like Google permission to do the very same. The NSA is doing it for national security, Google is doing it for profit. Sure, the NSA invaded privacy, but is reading your lame, boring emails worse than Facebook using your smartphone camera to watch you change clothes? Let's put things in perspective here.

As I previously mentioned, I've become more discerning with the apps I wish to download and more diligent about reading the permissions they demand. I'd recommend everyone takes a few seconds to read through the list before rushing to install Candy Crush or Yelp. Sure, we'll probably keep installing the invasive apps anyway. But at least if we read the permissions we can't be surprised when someone at Instagram posts a nude video of us on YouTube... taken directly from our own phone cameras... with our permission.

Living Social

I hearby declare dead the days of referring to someone as a social butterfly. Why the death of the term, you may ask? Because it inherently refers to being social, an act that is more or less degrading into a curious form of being social without actually being social. It's gotten to the point that often we're no longer interacting with people, we're interacting with their electronic personas.

Confused yet? Me too. I contend "social" media has warped us into non-social beings. 

Before I am accused of being holier-than-thou, let me admit to my zealous use of social media. I do my best to keep it at a manageable, sane level. Admittedly, I do not always succeed.

Gone are my evenings spent returning one call after another, chatting and giggling with friends and family. Instead, I tend toward an online chat session that better allows me to multitask instead of focusing undivided attention on an individual. The same goes for texting or posting a message on someone's online message board or "wall", which allows for an even further lack of undivided attention because of the added lag time of waiting for a person to see the message and then respond.

Although older generations tend to blame the younger generation -- Gen Y or Millennials -- I don't think that's where all the blame for the social evolution (or is it devolution?) should fall. I've seen plenty of people aged 40+ walk into traffic while texting. Countless members of older generations can be spotted in public gazing intently at iPads, oblivious to those around them. The difference is that older generations grew up with classic social conditioning but millennials have grown up in an electronic society. The reality of it may be simply that our activities are changing the definition of the word "social" and the various generations will view the term differently over time.

I actually miss the days of not being tied to an electronic device and being able to tune out. Remember the refreshing time of saying you didn't receive a phone or email message and nobody questioned it? Now saying such a thing opens us up to criticism, considering so many of us carry smart phones and can respond to every person's every need every time.

Have we become so rude and removed that we outright prefer NOT to interact with humans in real time? Are we becoming social hermits? It sure seems that way when I look around in public and watch people engrossed in their mobile devices, yet I get a blank stare and sometimes even what appears to be a look of fear if I speak to them. Certainly, this is not always the case, but it's becoming increasingly the norm to succumb to the addictive grip of mobile devices and social media outlets. People would rather follow someone on Twitter, post a photo on Instagram or check how many "likes" they received on a Facebook post than talk to a fellow human in real time. Interacting with other humans without the aid of electronic devices now often leads to socially awkward situations.

Historically, humans needed to be more social simply to survive. Some hunted, others gathered and others kept watch over the young. Now we appear to believe we can do it all alone. I contend that the increasing distancing behaviors humans exhibit could not only negatively impact society, but ultimately lead to its demise. If there is a massive earth-changing event that threatens our existence, we will need to lean on others for support and survival. The way I see things progressing in today's society, we may be doomed.

The de-socialization of society will likely swing further into the anti-social hemisphere before it comes back around, if it does. I'll be curious to see if in 20 years or so the act of genuinely being social is so far gone that it actually comes around again in a new craze. I fully believe that the hipsters (or whichever group takes the place of the hipsters in 20 years) will look at classic social activities as being retro and will make them trendy once again.

Get Over It

Trends come and go, that's just how it is. But there are some that have come and I wish they'd go. Pronto. The speed with which technology spreads ideas has created quite the inundation of memes, videos, Tweets, etc. that allow plugged in people everywhere to get in on trends that previously may have remained (mercifully) localized and largely unknown. Everyone has some "in" things that they're "so over" and here are a few I'm ready to see fade into oblivion:

Tiny head or gargantuan cap?

-Flat brimmed caps -- I just don't get these. They look weird and enormous on people's heads. The fact that The Biebs adores them certainly doesn't elevate their status in my mind. Let's get back to the gently curved caps that look like they actually fit on the wearer's head. Flat brims are sort of like the ridiculous baggy pants trend. Which brings me to...

-Ridiculous baggy pants -- I know this is not something new, considering it was mentioned by the oh-so-eloquent Cher Horowitz (Alicia Silverstone) waaaay back in the 1995 movie Clueless, but it's still worth mentioning. We all fall victim to horrible fashion trends (ahem, ladies who showed thong straps in the early 2000s) so I can't be too harsh on the guys who let the pants hang down their butts. The underwear showing doesn't bother me so much as the dudes who sport so much of a pants droop that they can't walk down the street without holding their drawers up with their hand. The odd penguin waddle that ensues just seems uncomfortable and inefficient.

-"Old" Instagram Photos -- I think Instagram is fun, but I think putting certain filters on the photos to make them look old and weathered is just dumb. I know that the younger generation may not have yet experienced the fading, yellowing or even reddening of their childhood photographs so this seems novel. But let me assure them, that wasn't something that was typically celebrated... people usually did their best to PREVENT that from happening over time because it ruins the photo. Since the introduction of the smart phone in 2007, we have done nothing but compete to have the biggest, baddest, clearest cameras on our cell phones. But the introduction of those filters that makes photos grainy and faded instantly negated all the camera progress. Stop the madness and just post your gorgeous, crisp photos.

-Tom's Shoes -- Please note that I positively love the idea behind these shoes (for every pair purchased the company gives a pair to an impoverished child in a developing nation), but I just think they're ugly. The popular original Tom's design looks like the old lady canvas shoes that Kmart has been selling each summer since about the mid-1980s. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just don't find them attractive. There's even a Facebook page called "Tom's Shoes are Ugly and Annoying." Although Tom's has expanded its offerings slightly and now has a few less-ugly options, perhaps it could team up with Steve Madden or BCBG for a killer combo of fashionable charity. Until then, I'll just have to spend a little extra time buying cute shoes and then donating my running shoes to children in Africa instead of embracing the ease of buying from Tom's.

-Cleanses, Juicing, Diet Fad du Jour -- It seems like everyone wishing to be more health conscious is trying a "cleanse" these days. The reality is many people just use the purported health benefits as an excuse to try these diets which also claim to shed pounds at record speeds. Some of them, like juice cleanses, are downright ridiculous. And for some reason, people who are doing a silly diet insist on bludgeoning those around them with every silly detail of the silly suffering. Instead of jumping on every get-thin-quick fad that isn't sustainable over the long term, I'd really like to see people embrace better exercise and daily eating habits which can be practiced for a lifetime.

-PBR -- Having grown up in Milwaukee, I'm fond of this former-hometown beer. But we always picked it up for dirt cheap prices. Now the hipsters have ruined everything and prices for the blue ribbon of beers are jacked up at the bars. Pabst Blue Ribbon is one of my examples of "I loved this before it was popular and now I hate it."

 Gross Facial Hair Anonymous

-Hipster Facial Hair -- Sure, at first those little staches with the funny curled ends looked retro and cute. That is, until every post-pubescent hipster or hippy or downright dirty or wannabe cool male started sporting real life molester mustaches. Full blown unruly, raggedy beards followed, often complete with holes where the hair won't grow in right. Dudes, cut the porn staches because for the most part they just look creepy and stupid. If you're going to go full beard, at least groom it. I'm curious to hear how people regularly kiss these men with copious amounts of scraggly facial hair... my face is raw just thinking about it. You know the trend has gone overboard when scores of women and kids join in on the facial hair trend and sport stick-on staches.

Just no.

Enough!

OK, rant finished. I'm sure there are countless other trends I missed that need to be over, ASAP. Let me know if you have other groan-worthy examples of overly-hyped ideas society needs to let fall to the wayside.

It's Not Just in Your Head

Last Friday, hearts broke across America and around the world at the news of a young man killing dozens of people at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Along with the sadness comes the natural anger at such an occurrence, and the rush to find solutions to prevent a similar tragedy from erupting in the future. The incident immediately sparked discussion about gun control, but that's not what I'm addressing in this post. I'd like to focus on a far more prevalent, yet less talked about issue -- mental illness.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than 25% of Americans suffer from some type of mental disorder in any given year. That means at least one out of every four people you know is struggling with a mental disorder. Think you don't know anyone affected? Consider that while the term "mental disorder" covers well-known illnesses such as schizophrenia and depression, it also includes post traumatic stress disorder, eating disorders, ADHD, and anxiety or panic disorders. Mental illness isn't black and white, it's more of a sliding scale with varying degrees of severity. Just within each individual category, such as depression, there are nearly infinite degrees and variations. If you still think you don't know anybody with any of these issues, I would respectfully contend that you're probably not paying close enough attention.

Why are we so afraid to address mental disorders with our loved ones? Physical ailments don't carry the same stigma, but both are maladies that occur due to a problem with some part of the body. The only difference is that many "physical" injuries are easily visible, whereas "mental" issues are brought on by invisible chemical reactions in the brain. Even if you have a minor cut on your face or a burn on your arm, someone undoubtedly seems ready to point it out. Yet we skirt around speaking about major mental afflictions when we recognize them in our loved ones. We will talk about other personal matters, such as erectile dysfunction, but not depression. Can you believe that? People are often more willing to talk about penises than brains. Something about that strikes me as rather warped.

Avoiding the topic may be more comfortable in the short term, but it benefits nobody in the long term. If we don't address mental disorders when we notice them, they can be left to fester and escalate to irreparable levels, such as in the Newtown incident.

I feel that we're not only negligent in speaking to those close to us about their potential disorders, but we're fearful to talk about mental illness at all. When we do, it's often only in extreme scenarios such such as what happened in Connecticut, and demonizing language is employed. With anger and disgust, we spout words like "sick" or "twisted" rather than sadly talking about the "desperation" or "helplessness" that many with mental disorders feel. It doesn't have to be this way. We don't need to be fearful of these illnesses and make them taboo topics. There are already enough barriers to receiving proper help, including the lack of insurance coverage for many mental disorders. The last thing an afflicted person needs is to feel odd or to be confronted by harsh, accusatory statements.

I grew excited while watching one of the major network news programs this week when they advertised a comprehensive discussion about mental illness, but upon viewing the segment, I grew increasingly dismayed. It began by touting the prevalence of mental disorders (this report cited 47% as the number of Americans suffering from some type of mental affliction), but then immediately turned to focus on the rare, extreme cases and repeatedly used the word "sick" in a derogatory manner. Such language does nothing to further the cause; it merely perpetuates the unfortunate stereotype of mental illness being freakish and uncommon.

I urge you to talk to your loved ones about mental illness, regardless of whether it's currently a pressing issue.  You never know when it will become an issue in the future, and often already having the lines of communication open can make the discussion less uncomfortable. Make it known that you don't believe mental illness carries a stigma, that it's just like any physical ailment in need of treatment. Most of all, let your loved one know he or she is not alone. The feelings of guilt, embarrassment and despair that come with mental disorders can often seem insurmountable; sometimes just a hug and an "I'm always here for you and support you" can make all the difference.

Applaud those who seek out help for their disorders. It's painfully difficult to get to that point, considering all the negative connotations our society places on receiving assistance from a psychologist. It's also painfully difficult for those with mental illness to continue seeing a professional once improvement is evident. Continued support goes a long way in keeping a patient on the right track.

Finally, choose your words wisely. Perpetuating the use of harsh language doesn't benefit anyone. Making people with mental illness feel more "normal" could mean the difference between recovery and being pushed over the edge into a severe situation. Whatever happens, just don't sit by idly and watch someone self destruct. That, in my opinion, would be the real tragedy.

Apocalypse Now

For the past several years, zombies have been all the rage (so have vampires, but we're not going there today). Films and TV shows have been raking in mucho moolah depicting the aftermath of the zombie apocalypse. There's one movie in particular I find particularly amusing for its list of tips to avoid becoming zombie grub: Zombieland.

The Zombieland tips are fantastic, including such gems as "double tap" (always shoot zombies twice to ensure they're dead) and "cardio" (stay in shape so you can outrun the baddies. "The first ones to go... are the fatties" according to the movie). Before reading further, go watch this movie. It's hilarious.

In honor of Halloween, I have compiled some zombie apocalypse survival tips of my own. However, there are already far too many aimed at humans, so in a bit of a twist, these are aimed at the zombies. Here are my pearls of wisdom for zombies to stay alive, er, dead, um, undead, or whatever "night walker" state they want to sustain:

-Fire resistant clothing -- OK, so you don't like fire. In fact, it's one of your top two worst enemies. So do something about it. How about scouring the Halloween aisle at Target, considering all those kiddie costumes say "flame retardant." Put on a few of those bad boys and at least you'll have a light, flexible option to prevent burning up.

-Wear a helmet -- Also available at Target. It's no secret that attacks to the head are the only other way to kill zombies besides fire. Bike helmets will suffice, but opt for a full face-covering motorcycle helmet if it's available. In a pinch, a metal bucket or large soup pot with cut outs for your eyes should do the trick.

-Use stupidity to your advantage -- Not your stupidity, the humans' stupidity. If you've seen ANY horror movies, you know that poor judgment will eventually take over and the humans will make ridiculous, amateurish mistakes... such as thinking they're the exception to the zombie rules and you won't actually nab them. Zombie attacks only happen to other people. Stay alert to find ways to trip up the humans... both literally and figuratively.

-Makeup -- Face it, you're disgusting. And the more you decay, the creepier you look. The creepier you look, the more humans will flee from you. Sephora has free makeup testers, so head over there and cover up that gaping flesh wound if you want humans to relate to you. Which brings me to...

-Play the stereotypical sympathy/love card (if you're a dude zombie) -- This works primarily on women and goes along with the previous point of relating to humans. If the vampire love in "Twilight" has taught us anything, it's that inter-species lovin' is not only possible, it's encouraged (at least that's what I've heard. I can't read that teen-lit "sparkle" vampire stuff). Work that zombie lovin', then take a bite.

-Play the stereotypical skank (if you're a lady zombie) --  This goes along with the previous two points and works primarily on men. If mankind has taught us anything, it's that it doesn't take much for men to turn to putty when presented with a skanky female specimen. Even if that specimen is a zombie. Work that slutty zombie lovin', then take a bite.

-Tools --  I understand that with all the herky jerky movements and rotting appendages, holding and operating tools is a difficult task. However, due to said jerky and slow movements, mastering easy tools to capture your prey at a distance is imperative because they can usually out-run you. While still at Target, consider costume props such as ninja stars or lassos. Or check out someplace like Fleet Farm for bear traps. Such traps are effective at immobilizing your prey, while still keeping them alive so the flesh is fresh.

-Pace yourself/element of surprise -- Don't go storming into a crowd of humans like the bros rushing a hot girl at a bar. That's never appreciated and will only result in your prey escaping with a snort and an eye roll (while during the zombie apocalypse AND at the bar). Growling and trying to quickly attack humans simply alerts them to your presence, so you need to be stealthy. Fight the driving urge to EAT BRAINS NOW and lie amongst other dead bodies without stirring. You'll blend in well. Or cover yourself with some of the debris you find littering the streets (because the streets in zombie movies are consistently filled with crap) and pounce when unsuspecting prey nears.

-Hit the beach -- We've seen the played-out scenarios of zombies invading cities. But how about visiting less obvious places like the beach, where sun bathers are relatively lethargic and ripe for the biting? Plus, they're freshly cooked from the UV rays, so they should have a nice, meaty taste.

-Snack -- Look, we all snack. You can't be expected to put in a full day of work (in this case hunting humans) on a completely empty stomach. While munching on animal flesh may not be nearly as gratifying as noshing on human flesh, have a little nibble. Remember when you were alive and your stomach was growling? Remember how it wasn't really that satisfying but sometimes you'd reach for the readily available, yet crappy, rice cake just so you could hold out for the steak dinner you had planned for later that night? Employ those tactics now and have a snack of a small rodent or chicken while awaiting the glorious feast of stupid humans once it grows dark.

-Dance to "Thriller" -- You hate to admit it, but it's your guilty pleasure. Get down with your zombie self and take a few minutes to indulge in the joy of performing as one of the creatures accompanying MJ in the classic video. After all, it's Halloween. Treat yourself.

Don't fight it. You know you crave a dance with MJ.

Whether you're alive, dead or undead, Happy Halloween and best of luck to you during the apocalypse.

Forever Young

As any parent can tell you, the sea of children's items continues to expand on a daily basis. Many of these products are kid versions of similar adults items. Recently I've noticed a counter-trend: some products for grown-ups that appear to actually be modeled after products children use. Here are the items I've noticed so far and believe were inspired by kiddie items:

-Disposable coffee lids -- Remember back when asking for a lid on your coffee meant snapping on one of those old school pull tab style lids that looked like this?

Not so anymore. Apparently adult lips were too inconvenienced by the inferior opening. Now, everywhere you look adults are suckling upon lids with a little spout resembling toddlers' sippy cups. All we need is to add handles to the coffee cups and the comparison is complete. I blame Starbucks.

  

-Hygienic wipes -- A few years ago a "new" product hit the market claiming to make you feel fresh and clean after doing your duty in the restroom. This product is a hygienic wipe. Perhaps you remember the Charmin bears advertising said product. There's no way you can convince me this isn't just a glorified baby wipe.

-Footed pajamas -- I really have no knowledge of where the first footed pajamas originated. They could have been common for adults back in the days before central heating systems, when people wore those all-in-one long johns with buttoned butt flaps. But any photos I've seen of those are always footless. So I contend that the footed pajamas we've bundled kids in for ages have spurred the recent surge in examples for adults. I'm not judging because I love snuggling up in those things, just like I did when I was a kid.

-Recumbent bikes -- Personally, I don't care for these but some people love them. Kids do too. Except when kids ride them, they're called Big Wheels. Carry on, recumbent bikers, you look really cool, like a big boy.

 

-White Noise Machines -- It seems like white noise machines really took off as sleep aids for average household use around the mid-1990s. Talk about an invention to solve a first world problem! Anyway, I think they're just expensive versions of the light and sound machines parents have been using for decades to ease baby into a blissful slumber.

-Magnetic Poetry -- This is another product I believe really took off around the mid-1990s. The giggle inducing word kits started off innocently enough, but usually devolved into immature antics. These kits were surely inspired by someone watching kids arranging their magnetic letters on the fridge.

-Individual wine boxes -- I applaud whoever invented the concept of shrinking the cumbersome boxes of wine down to servings that can be taken on the go. Now there's no reason to go to work, the store or church and remain sober. Except that the idea of the mini-box isn't that original and began with kids' juice boxes. Now mommy can enjoy her happy juice while junior slurps away on Juicy Juice.

I have no concrete evidence supporting my theory that the preceding adult products were created after children's products, but I stand by my observations. Sure, it's really a futile chicken-and-egg type of argument. But I'd like to think that in some small way, the product inventors unconsciously attempted to bring all of us closer to our inner children. You know, while sipping wine and arranging dirty phrases on refrigerators.

The Price is Right

My mom often used to joke that she hears the sounds of little chicks when I'm buying something. "They're saying, "Cheap, cheap, cheap!" my mom would quip.

I fully admit that I am cheap frugal. It used to bother me when being called out for it, but I've grown comfortable with this quality. Now, I even relish it. What's even better is that I've found a husband who is my equal in frugality.

The thrill of the hunt for deals is thoroughly enjoyable to me. I don't mind spending an extra hour researching an item if it means saving a load of money. While some people gloat about how much they spend on their designer clothing or handbags, I get pleasure out of buying similar items from TJ Maxx for about 80% less.

An area that seems to embarrass many people is using coupons, although I believe Groupon has made the practice a bit more acceptable in recent years. I'm all for spending part of Sunday sifting through the papers for coupons and using them on triple value coupon day at the grocery store. One of my proudest moments while grocery shopping was having a $210 bill, of which I only had to pay about $70. The cashier actually had to page the manager to approve the transaction, because the cash register thought the huge discounts were incorrect. The cashier started telling people in line what had happened and everyone was amazed, one person clapped, and another asked if I'd do her shopping from now on. When the manager approved the sale, she said she'd never seen so much saved in one sale before.

There have been countless times when I've been ready to purchase something I'd like (not need), but called it off when I discovered the price. Sometimes I find the cost of items so abhorrent that I want to school the offender by morphing into Adam Sandler when he and Bob Barker fight in "Happy Gilmore," yelling, "The price is wrong, bitch!"

I think living in the DC area makes frugal living stand out even more. The area is rife with people interested in spending frivolously on luxury items, and not taking the time to examine the value of purchases. I can't tell you how appalled I have been at hearing how much credit card debt people here hold, yet continue to spend on luxury items, thus accruing more debt. Plus, while living here, I have encountered more blank stares and eye rolls in response to my penny pinching than any of the other cities I've lived in. It's a good thing I don't care.

My frugality is what pushes me to use items until they are so past their lifespan it's sometimes laughable. Re-using plastic take-out containers? Yep. Keeping my antiquated computer tower until it was too slow to function and the monitor actually blew out? You bet. And might I remind many of you who have visited my home about the hand-me-down table and chairs that I finally had to get rid of. You know, the decades-old chairs that literally fell apart underneath some guests (Again, sorry about that. Please come over and enjoy the new dining set). It simply pains me to purchase new items before the old ones are used to their fullest potential and absolutely ready to throw out. Granted, I'm not as bad as my father-in-law, but close. He wore a threadbare robe for 40 years, until my mother-in-law's frequent "pressuring" finally won, and a new robe magically appeared in the closet.

As I've alluded to in previous posts, different people have different priorities and values in life. My priorities focus more on travel and enjoying life experiences than having a huge house, expensive car and the most up to date electronics. I believe that scrimping in some areas that matter less allows for more funding for things I actually care about, like being able to jet away to warmer weather when the winter is getting the better of me.

But even when it comes to important experiences, like travel, I'm not a big spender. I'll spend weeks researching the best deals and will choose to stay in a small room in a 2-star hotel, if it means I have more money later for scuba diving, visiting an ostrich farm or going parasailing. (I'm not saying I'll tolerate dirty hotels, but I don't need tons of perks.) Those who ask about the prices of my trips tend to be utterly surprised at the low costs.

In the end, people can tease me as much as they want for being a cheapskate. But I'm going to continue to look for freebies, collect coupons, buy generic and avoid expensive, flashy purchases. I contend I'll be the one laughing all the way to the bank... and on my next adventure vacation.

A Fine Line

"Oh no, do we have to move again?"

It's the comment my husband utters with a sigh every time I declare I'm having "trouble with the library." And when I say "trouble with the library" what I really mean is "I have a big old fine."

I positively adore the library. I move around frequently and every time I re-locate, the library is one of the first places I look for on my new neighborhood's map. Libraries, although typically not as widely used as they should be, are a fantastic community resource to prevent me from spending thousands upon thousands of dollars each year on books.

Don't get me wrong, occasionally I do purchase books, but the library is just too convenient. I don't feel the need to read books the instant they are released and I'm currently not in a book club, so borrowing is perfectly acceptable in my mind. Plus, I read an awful lot of classics, which are plentiful at the library. So why not take advantage of a nearby resource for which I'm already paying taxes?

I've had contentious relationships with my local libraries over the years, sometimes due to my negligence and other times for reasons beyond my control. I admit, a number of years ago, I accrued fines fairly regularly. During that dark period, my now-husband began a joke (or is it??) about having to move every time my fines grow overwhelming, in order to avoid a bill so large that we need to re-mortgage our home. Thus, out of his suggestion of skipping town when I have fines, the phrase "Oh no, do we have to move again?" was born. 

But back to my problem. My current library and I had a bit of a falling out last autumn, when I had traveled out of the country and forgot to return my materials, racking up a multi-book fine totaling around $20. For the record, that's about the point where they start threatening to contact a collection agency. I ignored the threats until, suddenly, my fine jumped to about $38 and I felt it was time to take action. I chatted with a librarian and asked for an itemized bill so I could figure out why my fine had nearly doubled. Upon looking at the library printout, we discovered fines for books that had been returned on time, as well as random fines listed twice. Although the librarian didn't seem fully convinced of my innocence in a couple of cases, we agreed that I would pay about $17 for fines that genuinely were my fault.

Alas, after a truce lasting approximately nine months (a proud time for me, indeed), the library has decided to throw down the gauntlet once again. This time, while seemingly silly, the battle is over $1.20.

I often renew my books online and did so again at the end of last week. Upon renewal I received the message "The following items have been renewed" and it listed my two books. Piece of cake. Three days later, I received a notice that one of the books was overdue and I now owed 90 cents. Baffled, I called up my account online and sure enough, one book had renewed and the other hadn't. I figured there was some glitch in the system and tried renewing the rogue book one more time. Again, I receive the message "The following items have been renewed" with my book listed immediately after.

This morning I discovered that the book again was not renewed, so I called the library. Apparently, there's a hold on that book so it will not renew, and my fine is now up to $1.20. I decided to try renewing to see what message I would receive this time, and sure enough, a different message, "Not all renewals were successful," flashed on the screen. Curious.

The librarian very nicely informed me of what to look for online to identify a hold, and that "Not all renewals were successful" should appear onscreen to alert me to a hold. However, I actually didn't need the lesson considering my extensive experience with hold messages due to my repeated use of the online system over the years. I know what they look like and promptly return books on hold to avoid a fine. I promise, there was no such message when I tried renewing twice over the past five days. I have no problem with returning a book when there's a hold, however, when there's some type of odd error with the system, the gloves come off and the battle begins.

Currently, I'm considering myself fully engaged in a library standoff. I will return the book tonight, but that fine is not getting paid. It's not the $1.20, it's the principle. I'm not pleased about having a fine tarnish my clean-for-nearly-a-year record, but that is how it must remain for now. Let's just say the library has crossed a "fine" line, and I'm not budging.

Should a bill collector appear at my door in the coming months for a money gathering attempt, I think I'll kindly refuse and record a video of the entire ordeal to create a YouTube sensation. I'm fairly certain "Bill Collector Goes Postal Over $1.20 Library Fine" would be a significant money maker.

Dirty Birds

People, you are dirty. Dirty, nasty little pervs. Just when you thought you were hiding it, here I am calling you out. I know where you are, and I know what you're looking at online.

Let me include a little back story to explain. Last year, I wrote a blog post on being married to an identical triplet. It was supposed to be purely informative, but somehow has morphed into a veritable pornucopia. All because I was trying to tell you nasty people to stop asking silly questions because my husband has not been, and will not be, starring in any triplet porn. I included a photo of the Dahm triplets, who represent an extreme, ludicrous example of triplets, which some people choose to elevate as a prime example of reality. Now, because of that one photo (which, by the way, showed no nudity) my blog site overflows with internet porn surfers from all over the world trying to see triple the boobies.

If you think your internet searches are completely anonymous, here's a harsh reality check for you: they're not. Blog sites allow users to view stats such as where people are visiting from, what operating system they use, whether they're reading from a mobile device and what words they may have searched to arrive on the site. Let me assure you, I've encountered some wild search words over the past eight months or so. The predominant search term for my site is "triplet porn," closely followed by "hot triplets." I shan't shock you with some of the juicier searches that have led people to this site, as I think your imagination will suffice.

I also know where you're reading from, even if you think you've blocked such stats from being visible to me. Granted, it's not as specific as some blogs sites which actually show IP addresses, but I know which cities you're visiting from. It's been exhilarating seeing that people from all parts of the world -- including South Africa, the Philippines, Australia and Brazil -- find my site and sometimes become repeat viewers. The demoralizing part comes when I see they've arrived by searching for triplet porn. And here, I thought I was winning the world over with my glorious writing skills and wit. *sigh*

Let me give you an idea of just how many people arrive on this site hoping for porn. When looking at the hit counts on each of my posts, they tend to cluster together within a few views of each other, maybe varying by tens of views. However, the triplet post has received nearly nine times as many hits as its closest contender. Think about it: if the second-most-read post had 100 views, closely followed by a third place post with 98 views, that means the triplet post racked up 900 hits. It boggles the mind and proves that internet porn is alive and well, regardless of measures to curb it.

Don't get me wrong, I happily accept readers no matter how they discover this site. I just hope that maybe some of those who visit to triple their pervy pleasure will find other posts they like, and perhaps become regular readers. If not, that's OK. Just keep the web traffic coming, you dirty birds.

This isn't intended to change behaviors or to preach that people shouldn't look at internet porn. It's simply to inform you, dear readers, that if I can figure out what nasty stuff you're looking at, other more adept computer wizards undoubtedly see it as well. Remember that the next time you believe you're pulling a fast one on your company by surreptitiously sneaking a peek at porn on your work computer. That brief boobie break could very well come back to haunt you. Or at least make you a topic for somebody's next blog post.

Stone Cold Trippin'

Most people don't pay much attention to the surfaces they walk on. In places where walking is more the norm instead of driving, perhaps the rate of surface investigation is a bit higher. Let me assure you, in areas like the Washington, D.C. area where cobblestone covers large swaths of sidewalk, daily surface evaluation is not uncommon. Quite frankly, daily evaluation is recommended to avoid face-planting in public.

Some of these gaps can be half an inch deep.

Let me just put this out there -- I hate cobblestone. I didn't always. Like most people, I think it looks lovely and conjures memories of more quaint, simple times. But after regularly stumbling across decades old cobblestone, the cute street surface has raised my ire.

I would like to clarify that my gripe not only pertains to traditional cobblestone, but also to bricks or other non-smooth walking surfaces. These types of ground cover pitch and warp as they settle, creating a dangerous environment. Aged cobblestone ranks even higher on my list of annoyances, because the binding material in the cracks often erodes over time, leaving significant gaps. I can't tell you how often I've seen people trip on these gaps, or how often I've had heels become trapped in the crevices.

I've spoken before of my mild obsession with shoes. As you can imagine, the rough, jagged edges and uneven surfaces of cobblestone aren't kind to high heels. I've had to have countless pairs re-heeled from my wobbly cobbly treks. Quite a few women prefer to wear flip flops or sneakers to work, then change into heels at work. But I have enough crap to carry with me (purse, lunch bag, books) and can't deal with the bulk that heels will add. I don't like carrying a large bag, and don't want to have to start in order to accommodate my shoes.

Although the shoe issue greatly annoys me, my largest concern about cobblestone is actually a safety issue. I consistently see people (including myself) trip on these uneven surfaces. Let me assure you, falling on cobblestone can create significant cuts and scrapes due to the protrusion of all those pointy edges.

Even more disturbing than watching an able bodied person become tripped up on cobblestone is watching a person with a disability trying to figure out how to work around it. Several times, I have watched people in wheelchairs maneuver in the street to avoid the perils of cobblestone. I've also witnessed a scene that broke my heart when a brave soul tried wheeling himself over the stones near my work. His wheels hit some of those jagged edges, and the poor man tumbled out of his chair into the street. Luckily, there were many bystanders who helped him up and he wasn't horribly injured.

See how the bricks warp on the left? This is why people fall.

A few years ago, a battle erupted over a new development that was to be constructed here in the D.C. area. Part of the design included historic looking cobblestone or brickwork. Disability rights groups called for changes to the plan, asking that uneven surfaces instead be smooth pavement to increase safety. The uproar from certain sectors of the community baffled me. These people wouldn't stand for their new, modern-looking development being marred by the surrounding pedestrian walks not looking historic. Makes sense, right? I believe a safe compromise eventually transpired, amidst much grumbling from the cobble-lovers.

I'd like to see new developments cease the use of cobblestone and bricks. While I know it may be a wildly unpopular view, I'd also like to see ages-old uneven surfaces paved or somehow re-worked to increase safety. There's no reason people should have to constantly trip while performing daily activities. Even more importantly, there's no reason for people with disabilities to be forced to run the gauntlet in the street rather than benefiting from the safety of a sidewalk. I'm sure parents of kids in strollers would like to get in on this gripe as well. An outright ban on such street materials sounds a bit extreme, but in my dreams, I envision a cobble-free world. However, being that I live in a "historic" area and people want their brand spanking new developments to look "historic," along with the old and decrepit cobblestone which some believe is "quaint," I guess I'll just have to be content to break heels, stub toes, twist ankles and pretend nothing happened when I plummet face first to the ground. Just do me a favor and help me up, if you're not too busy tripping yourself.

On the Straight and Narrow(minded)

"We are confronted primarily with a moral issue… whether all Americans are to be afforded equal rights and equal opportunities, whether we are going to treat our fellow Americans as we want to be treated." 
-John F. Kennedy, June 11, 1963

History really does repeat itself. Nearly 50 years after JFK uttered the preceding statement on the radio, we're again talking about allowing certain sectors of Americans to share equal rights. This time though, it's not a matter of black and white, but of gay or straight.

On Wednesday, President Obama made waves when he said in an ABC News exclusive that he supports gay marriage. This, after years of stating he didn't support gay marriage because civil unions were enough.

He's taken some heat for the about-face, however, I believe we're all entitled to change our minds. Learning about people and issues and re-evaluating our beliefs based on new information or viewpoints is part of being an adult. If I were rigid and didn't revisit my views, I would still hate cheese, never would have discovered my love for running, and quite frankly probably wouldn't currently hold friendships with some wonderful people who failed to win me over with a first impression.

To those who have been saying the president only made his statement because Vice President Joe Biden made a comment approving of gay marriage the other day, I'd like to remind you of something. Biden had also previously expressed disapproval of gay marriage, saying civil unions were enough. Clearly, the two have talked about the issue, but Biden likely exhibited one of his infamous "oops" moments and let it slip before Obama did. Who cares who said it first, let's focus on what's really important--making progress. Moving on...

Getting back to the original quote in this post about the moral dilemma... "Morality" repeatedly proves to be a tricky issue. So often, what's morally acceptable to one person is deemed despicable by another. When it comes to restricting a person's rights, it's particularly troublesome. If we ban gay marriage on moral grounds, then why not divorce? Divorce is an offense so grave in many cultures and religions it can get a person excommunicated or shunned from society. In my opinion, divorce harms the "sanctity of marriage" far more than two people of the same sex who deeply love each other and want to make a permanent commitment. Yet, there's no widely recognized movement to outlaw divorce.

Being raised a Christian, I find it quite difficult to agree with people who use Christianity, or any other religion for that matter, as an impetus for opposing gay marriage. Don't even get me started on the separation of church and state, a constitutional concept often thrown to the wayside. Does anybody remember the "Golden Rule?" It's the one in Matthew 7:12 which, in modern language, states: "Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you." It appears again in Matthew 22:37-40:  "Jesus said unto him, 'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.'" Variations of this moral tenet appear in sacred writings from scores of the world's religions. It is supposed to be the backbone for many religions. Never have I encountered a variation including the caveat "...except if the others are gay." However, many people ignore the Golden Rule and instead take up a practice expressly denounced in the Bible--judging others instead of letting God judge.

I respect people's right to disagree with gay marriage. That's their choice. Just like it's my choice to disagree with people like the Octomom becoming pregnant time and time again, even though it's legal. But there's a world of difference between merely disagreeing with a viewpoint or action, and being hurtful or restricting the rights of a person.

I know this post likely won't convince opponents to support gay marriage. If that happens, or at least makes you think about it a little, then that's an added bonus. I'm writing this to say if you don't approve of it, just don't hurt others. I urge anyone who feels compelled to make nasty comments or to restrict another human being's rights to watch the anguish a gay loved one experiences over trying to come out. I don't care how media or the movies may have influenced your perceptions, these are real people with real emotions. Another demoralizing moment is watching a gay loved one struggle with the reality of not being able to marry the person they love, the person who has stood by in thick and thin, shared good times and bad. I assure you, the pain is genuine, it is heart wrenching, and it is grossly unfair.

President Obama's declaration was a good start, but there's still much to be accomplished on this issue. Like Rosa Parks refusing to surrender her bus seat, or the four black men who refused to leave their stools in a North Carolina Woolworth's, small actions create a necessary spark. But we all have to work to fan the flame. No measure will be considered going "far enough" until every person is allowed the same rights to marry across the United States.

Whether or not you like her comedy, I feel this statement by Wanda Sykes sums up my sentiment on those opposed to gay marriage: "If you don't believe in same sex marriage, then don't marry someone of the same sex. I don't understand people all up in arms over sh*t that don't affect them."

Are You Talking to Me?

There's a popular belief that talking to oneself is a sign of genius. If that holds true, please consider me the world's foremost genius. Because I definitely talk to myself. A lot.

This is a rather embarrassing admission; I've never known anybody to willingly proffer this information without at least some reluctance. But with age comes a distinct lack of caring what others think. Don't get me wrong, it still embarrasses me to no end when somebody walks in on me muttering to myself, but at least now I know this is a fairly common practice among people, based on a number of articles I've read and conversations I've had recently (with other people, not myself).

Yes, I talk to myself. Don't lie, you do too.

What do I talk to myself about? Nearly everything. From trying out a difficult speech I'm going to later barrage someone with, to repeating movie lines, it all comes out. I even go over previous conversations, coming up with things I wish I would have said at the time. Why does this have to happen out loud? I truly have no idea. But I do notice that certain things trigger more self-talking for me, such as lack of sleep, stress or too much caffeine. Along with many other physical issues I experience when I ingest significant amounts of caffeine, talking out loud at odd times is one side effect. I've actually startled myself while hopped up on caffeine when I "come to" out of a deep conversation with myself, previously not having realized my thoughts were audible. This is one of the many reasons I try to avoid caffeine.

In addition to talking with myself, I have a tendency to take up conversations with inanimate objects. There can be absolutely nobody around, yet I feel the need to speak out loud to an object. For example, if I'm trying to cook and my spatula breaks, is it really necessary to direct disparaging utterances at my utensil? Isn't it weird to say something to the effect of, "Really? NOW you break? When I'm in a rush and just want a tasty pancake? C'mon, spatula, what the hell?!" Or how about aiming comments at my own body parts like, "Well hey there, hair. You're not looking too bad today." It's pretty odd, I'm not gonna lie. But I do it. All. The. Time.

For a while, I actively hoped nobody had set up any sort of recording devices in my home for fear of revealing my penchant for talking to myself and everything around me. But now I figure if there is some sort of recording device, I just hope my stalker is amused by my outbursts. (Note: this is not an invitation to bug my home or to set up secret recording devices. However, if there is already one in my home, I just ask to split any profit you bring in from internet sales of the audio/video.)

So is this really a sign of genius, as the old adage suggests? Or perhaps an overly active, overly creative brain? I'm not sure, but I doubt it. As long as it's not a sign of the alternative--schizophrenia--then it's alright with me.

Have a Seat

Up and down. Down and up. All. Day. Long. Such is the life of a toilet seat in a mixed gender household.

But then the trouble starts. You know how it goes: Woman walks into the bathroom and doesn't check seat, woman falls into toilet, woman screams, woman lectures man endlessly for leaving the seat up, man rolls eyes and tunes out. OK, ladies. I've got something to say that you probably won't like. You're in the wrong.

The seat flips both ways. Guys, put it up. Ladies, put it down.

Having been the victim of a wet bum myself on more than one occasion, I can completely understand the dismay at falling in. I can identify with the blaze of anger that makes some women scream obscenities and curse whoever left the toilet seat up. But please realize that this is not somebody else's fault. YOU should have looked before leaping. Remember in a previous post, how I said women should stop hovering and instead check the seat before sitting down? The pre-sit checking still holds true in this case.

Think about it -- the guy did what he has been trained to do since becoming potty trained as a toddler. He courteously lifted the seat so as to not spatter upon it (sadly, many women don't have the same courtesy and spatter all over seats. Again, see original post). He went through the trouble of reaching down to lift up the seat, when all he really wanted to do was relieve himself.

Ladies... You, however, opt for instant relief instead of taking the half a second needed to check the seat. You couldn't take the half a second to flip the toilet seat down and spare your bottom the drenching that followed. Yet you will yell at the man mercilessly as if he actually did something wrong.

If we are to abide by woman logic, men are supposed to put the seat up AND down when doing their duty, while women bear no burden whatsoever. That seems illogical to me. There's no reason he should have to put the seat down when he leaves, but ladies shouldn't have to put it up when they leave. There's equal chance of each person using the restroom next.

To those women who claim they will likely be the next toilet user, so the man should therefore put the seat up and down... my response is that you have to pick your battles. Personally, I don't see the ridiculous toilet seat battle as something worth fighting for.

I contend that the toilet seat wars are just the product of women's embarrassment at falling in. It's a rather common occurrence for people to fly into a fit of rage when they clearly know they're in the wrong, but are too embarrassed to admit it. Ladies, let's just remember that nobody else is there with you so it's not anyone else's fault. On the upside, due to there not being anyone with you, others will also never know of your unfortunate topple into the bowl unless you tell them.

So how about we all count to ten, pretend the plunge never happened, and remember to take a brief look before plunking down on the seat next time. Plus, let's not forget how lucky we are to have toilet seats. Think of all the people in prison who would kill (figuratively, and possibly literally) to have a toilet seat at all.

Guys, if you consistently put the seat up when you do your business, you're off the hook on this one. But please start remembering to refill empty toilet paper rolls.

Update 4/27/12 I would like to thank a number of you for letting me know that there's another option  practiced in some households -- everyone puts the top lid up and down every time. I have to say, I like this. My previous rant was about just one sex having to bear the whole burden of toilet seat management, while the other did nothing. If everyone shares the burden, I'm OK with that. Thanks again for the suggestion!

On the Road Again

Warming sun. Tropical drinks. Exotic foods. Hiking. SCUBA diving. Chatting with locals. Exploring locations teeming with history and culture. In my opinion, these are just a few of the elements that meld to forge a glorious vacation experience. You know what doesn't make for a pleasantly memorable vacation? Travel jealousy.

Over the years I've been told by countless people, "Gee, you go on so many vacations. I'm totally jealous." I've also heard the more blatant, "Vacationing again? I hate you." Although such statements are usually uttered with jest, they often contain a certain amount of biting truth. Sometimes, sadly, the words are even spat with thinly veiled bitterness.

I will admit, I embark on more trips than the average person. But if you will excuse my hubris for a moment, I also deem myself one of the more adept adventurers I know. I'm not talking about an adventure vacation here and there, with the rest revolving around sitting on beaches. Sitting around is for other people. I want to milk every new locations for all it's willing to give up. I do my best not to take any trip for granted.

We all hold certain passions near and dear to our hearts. For me, traveling is that passion. Exploring new places produces a kind of euphoria in me that is not easily replicated. The funny thing about passion is that it manifests itself in different ways. While one person may be passionate about reading, another may be passionate about collecting art, and yet another may be passionate about music. All are valid if they enrich people's lives, as I believe my travel does for my life.

I understand that all of us like to escape from the daily grind when possible, and for some it's a difficult endeavor. Please believe me when I say my trips do not simply occur on a whim. They are thoroughly researched, budgeted and contemplated. Those of you who know me well know how much of a cheapskate I am. Do you really think I would be spending copious amounts of money on anything, much less something that's not a necessity? I read travel advice websites daily, sift through countless emails from travel companies, hunt for deals on the internet and twitter, enroll in every point/discount accrual program, haggle with hotel managers, study weather patterns, research a destination's low seasons and bite my nails down to nubs while waiting for last minute deals. I promise you, with my weekly and daily attention, I put in more effort than 90% of travelers. Plus, many people tend to forget that I'm not taking full two-week vacations several times a year; many of these excursions are simply for a weekend.

Additionally, my daily expenditures are ridiculously low compared to most people. I make nearly all meals and don't eat out, have antiquated electronics, don't have cable, avoid large purchases unless absolutely necessary due to a previous item's failure (e.g. car, tv), purchase many things second hand, clip coupons, and a rudimentary perusal of my home will prove the glaringly obvious -- that my furniture is quite literally all gifted or hand-me-downs (barring the couch purchased 4 years ago because the other couch fell apart). I prefer to save my money for memorable journeys that will be burned into my memory forever. To me, things like owning the newest electronic item, purchasing designer clothing, wearing expensive jewelry not purchased for $10 at Target, spending more than $20 on a haircut or getting manicures is not important. Travel? That is what is important to me. Please don't judge me for that, because I would bet you also harbor priorities that others might deem odd.

Let's also not forget that for nearly three years, my significant other has traveled endlessly for work, and continues to do so. His being gone day in and day out equates to a rapid accrual of free flights and free or discounted hotel stays. This in itself sometimes causes jealousy to fester in some people. Rest assured, I would scrimp and save and give up every free drink/flight/hotel stay if it meant having my husband here instead of absent practically every day of the work week. I'm convinced the little "perks" are just enticements to keep me from going completely insane. They're something we can enjoy together. Heck, sometimes it seems like the only way we can enjoy each other is to get away.

Don't think I'm saying most people I know or associate with fall into the category of being judgmental about my travel. We've all been jealous or envious of people at some point, especially those close to us. I would hope that my true friends could share my travel joys, just as I try my best to share their joys in life.

Really, I blame American society for the vacation jealousy. We live in a place where workers accumulate weeks of vacation year after year that slip by unused. Americans feel guilty about taking time for themselves, and consequently work themselves to the bone. It doesn't have to be this way. Examine, for instance, all the countries where workers take three weeks of vacation with no questions asked. Whole sections of Europe shut down in August as the locals journey elsewhere. These people shouldn't be looked down upon, but instead applauded for realizing what's really important in life. It's certainly not work. Rather, it's making memories with loved ones. Enjoying time off with friends and family while taking a much needed and well deserved breather. Work is simply a way of funding such pleasures.

I consider myself lucky for having realized at an early age that work is not the purpose of my existence. I live for adventures with family and friends, and for squeezing the most out of my short years here on earth. I loathe the thought of being in my nineties and regretting my time sitting at the office in a bored stupor for a week, rather than witnessing the ear-to-ear grin on my husband's face while he spots a turtle during a snorkeling excursion.

You may continue to judge me for my travels if you so desire, but I assure you, that is a losing battle. Instead of feeling envious, perhaps try joining me in forgoing silly, costly things that mean so little in the long run. Instead, let's take the time to get away, and relish those adventures we'll never forget.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- 
I took the one less traveled by, 
And that has made all the difference. 

-Robert Frost