The Zombieland tips are fantastic, including such gems as "double tap" (always shoot zombies twice to ensure they're dead) and "cardio" (stay in shape so you can outrun the baddies. "The first ones to go... are the fatties" according to the movie). Before reading further, go watch this movie. It's hilarious.
In honor of Halloween, I have compiled some zombie apocalypse survival tips of my own. However, there are already far too many aimed at humans, so in a bit of a twist, these are aimed at the zombies. Here are my pearls of wisdom for zombies to stay alive, er, dead, um, undead, or whatever "night walker" state they want to sustain:
-Fire resistant clothing -- OK, so you don't like fire. In fact, it's one of your top two worst enemies. So do something about it. How about scouring the Halloween aisle at Target, considering all those kiddie costumes say "flame retardant." Put on a few of those bad boys and at least you'll have a light, flexible option to prevent burning up.
-Wear a helmet -- Also available at Target. It's no secret that attacks to the head are the only other way to kill zombies besides fire. Bike helmets will suffice, but opt for a full face-covering motorcycle helmet if it's available. In a pinch, a metal bucket or large soup pot with cut outs for your eyes should do the trick.
-Use stupidity to your advantage -- Not your stupidity, the humans' stupidity. If you've seen ANY horror movies, you know that poor judgment will eventually take over and the humans will make ridiculous, amateurish mistakes... such as thinking they're the exception to the zombie rules and you won't actually nab them. Zombie attacks only happen to other people. Stay alert to find ways to trip up the humans... both literally and figuratively.
-Makeup -- Face it, you're disgusting. And the more you decay, the creepier you look. The creepier you look, the more humans will flee from you. Sephora has free makeup testers, so head over there and cover up that gaping flesh wound if you want humans to relate to you. Which brings me to...
-Play the stereotypical skank (if you're a lady zombie) -- This goes along with the previous two points and works primarily on men. If mankind has taught us anything, it's that it doesn't take much for men to turn to putty when presented with a skanky female specimen. Even if that specimen is a zombie. Work that slutty zombie lovin', then take a bite.
-Tools -- I understand that with all the herky jerky movements and rotting appendages, holding and operating tools is a difficult task. However, due to said jerky and slow movements, mastering easy tools to capture your prey at a distance is imperative because they can usually out-run you. While still at Target, consider costume props such as ninja stars or lassos. Or check out someplace like Fleet Farm for bear traps. Such traps are effective at immobilizing your prey, while still keeping them alive so the flesh is fresh.
-Pace yourself/element of surprise -- Don't go storming into a crowd of humans like the bros rushing a hot girl at a bar. That's never appreciated and will only result in your prey escaping with a snort and an eye roll (while during the zombie apocalypse AND at the bar). Growling and trying to quickly attack humans simply alerts them to your presence, so you need to be stealthy. Fight the driving urge to EAT BRAINS NOW and lie amongst other dead bodies without stirring. You'll blend in well. Or cover yourself with some of the debris you find littering the streets (because the streets in zombie movies are consistently filled with crap) and pounce when unsuspecting prey nears.
-Hit the beach -- We've seen the played-out scenarios of zombies invading cities. But how about visiting less obvious places like the beach, where sun bathers are relatively lethargic and ripe for the biting? Plus, they're freshly cooked from the UV rays, so they should have a nice, meaty taste.
-Snack -- Look, we all snack. You can't be expected to put in a full day of work (in this case hunting humans) on a completely empty stomach. While munching on animal flesh may not be nearly as gratifying as noshing on human flesh, have a little nibble. Remember when you were alive and your stomach was growling? Remember how it wasn't really that satisfying but sometimes you'd reach for the readily available, yet crappy, rice cake just so you could hold out for the steak dinner you had planned for later that night? Employ those tactics now and have a snack of a small rodent or chicken while awaiting the glorious feast of stupid humans once it grows dark.
-Dance to "Thriller" -- You hate to admit it, but it's your guilty pleasure. Get down with your zombie self and take a few minutes to indulge in the joy of performing as one of the creatures accompanying MJ in the classic video. After all, it's Halloween. Treat yourself.
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| Don't fight it. You know you crave a dance with MJ. |
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